Dating: Knowing What I Want and Finding It

I think one of the greatest things about dating later in life is that I have figured out what I really want.  I have figured out what I need too, which is more important.  When Sam and I were doing marriage counseling, we read a book called The Five Love Languages.  While I found the book a bit cheesy at times, I think the underlying message that we all feel loved in different ways was brilliant.   The key is to identify which way your partner feels loved and show them love in that way. 

My love language is Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.  Knowing that about myself now, I know I need to find a man who can compliment me and express his love to me verbally.  I also need physical touch.  I like a man who will put his arm around me or hold my hand in addition to the bedroom stuff.  These things make me feel loved and adored. 

Remember when you were a Mia Maid and you made a list of all the qualities you wanted in a future husband?  You wrote stuff like "RM, handsome, tall?"  Well, those are all still on my list but that is the jumping off point.  My list has gotten a whole lot longer.  Making the list was easy--finding a man with all of these characteristics is the hard part.  Here are some of the things that I have realized are important to me now:

1.  A man who is kind--first and foremost.  And I want a man who is kind to others, not just me.

2.  A man who values education and preferably has an advanced degree.  I want a man who has a career (not just a job), is passionate about his work and takes it seriously.

3.  A man who loves his family and respects his mother.

4.  A man who is a devoted and loving father.

5.  A man who has a strong testimony of the gospel, holds a calling and takes his Priesthood responsibilities seriously.

6.  A man who is funny.  I am a sucker for guys who make me laugh.  Seinfeld is usually my litmus test.  If a man loves Seinfeld and quotes it..we will probably hit it off.  If he loves Colbert, that is gravy.

7.  A man who is fit and active.  I used to think this didn't matter to me but it does.

8.  A man who can be a man.  I love an alpha-male.  I think it is because right now--I have to make all the decisions and be the head of my household.  I want a man who takes charge, makes reservations and solves problems.  I like a man who opens doors, makes the first move and isn't afraid to show me he is interested in me.

9.  A man who is honest, classy and speaks kindly of his ex-wife.  This speaks volumes about the guy.

10.  Okay, okay, tall is always a bonus for me.  I am 5'9--I love a tall man.  And of course, we have to have chemistry--chemistry is more important than looks.

The older I get, the more I realize what matters in a spouse.  I refuse to settle. When I was going through a hard time at the end of my marriage, I would turn the radio on and this song by Sugarland always seemed to be playing. I still hear it and it reminds me that I am not settling this time around for anything less than everything:

"I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

Online Dating 101

I have a love hate relationship with online dating.  Here is the thing:  It has come a long way.  My parents are still down on it and encourage me to meet people the "normal way."  Unfortunately, there is no normal way anymore.  But in my parents' defense, their idea of online dating is stuff they have seen on 20/20 about chat rooms and 50 year old dudes trying to seduce 15 year old girls.  I think the stigma of being online is gone.  Really, it is just "online meeting." 

I have had several friends who have met and married someone they met on a dating site.  I think these sites work because it is the quickest, easiest way to meet other people who are single and looking to date.  I love being set up but it doesn't happen all the time.  So if you just want to date a lot and meet people quickly--go online.

Here is my advice for the ladies about online dating.  You men are on your own--just kidding.  You know I can't wait to write my advice post for the menfolk.

1. Accept that there are no rules.  Quit thinking that men will be honorable or abide by the societal norms of  real life interaction.  You can be messaging with a guy for weeks and he can disappear overnight.  Poof.  You will never hear from him again.  Some guys will message and immediately ask you out.  Others will want to message for months.  (My least favorite thing in the world!  Who needs a pen pal?!)  Everyone has their own way of online dating.

2.  Understand that most guys exaggerate in their profiles.  On the LDS sites, people have to say how active in the church they are, etc.  If they say they go to church "Always" that means most of the time.  If they say "Sometimes" that means they never go.  I have learned not to put too much stock in anything people put in their profile.  They probably wrote it years ago.  A lot can change.

3.  If a dude lies anywhere on his profile or is cagey or doesn't answer questions, bail now.  I love it when guys put their age as 42 then later in their profile they will admit to being 51 but everyone tells them they look a lot younger.  Riiiiight.  If they are willing to lie to you about something as insignificant as their age on a dating website, imagine what they will lie to you about down the road.

4.  Avoid the guys who write "just ask" instead of answering questions.  If they can't sum up what they do for work in single sentence, I don't need to go any further.  No long explanation needed.

5.  If a guy tells you he is funny, he's not.  If he is funny, he will show you he is funny in his profile.

6.  Always meet at the restaurant for the first date.  Never have the guy pick you up at your house. Two reasons for this. A. You don't want to be murdered. and B. if he is a dud, you can make a quick get-away without an awkward doorstep scene.

7.  Don't give out your cell number until you have messaged with someone on the site for a bit. That way, if you can see that the guy isn't funny, or is looking for a hook-up, or admits to having an affair or some other deal breaker--it is easier to unload him without him having access to you in real life via your phone.

8.  Never, never, never send a "sexy" or inappropriate photo of yourself to anyone.  I am a lawyer so I am very mindful of leaving evidence.  This applies to dating in general..not just online dating.  If a dude asks for a racy/sexy pic.  Drop him quick!

9.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  Don't even message with someone who doesn't have a picture (there is probably a reason there is no pic and it is never good).  If you are a girl, you should include at least one full body shot otherwise (I am told) men assume you are out of shape if all you have are face shots.  For men it is the opposite problem.  Men are often guilty of posting pics of themselves doing extreme sports or they will have a picture with five other people and you have to squint to see which one they are.

10. Don't try to be something you're not.  It will come back to bite you.  I get tired of everyone pretending to be so outdoorsy in their profiles.  We all love to be outside but 99% of the time we are all just doing normal stuff..going to work, driving kids around, going out to eat and to a movie.  In my profile I said "I am not outdoorsy unless shopping at City Creek is outdoorsy."  I like hiking and skiing, etc but I am definitely not a nature girl and don't want to have to live up to that if some dude wants to go camping every weekend.  I read one guy's profile that was so refreshing.  He described himself as the "indoorsy type."  He loves air conditioning, good tv and fine dining--so honest!

11.  Spend some time on your profile.  It will pay off in the end.  Try to show your personality and what makes you fun and unique.  Try to put some things in there that guys can ask you about or comment on when they message you. 

12.  Don't put pictures of your kids on your profile, don't say how many kids you have or their ages, and remember that there are some scary Larry's out there looking to prey on single moms.

13.  Do your homework.  I always always find someone in common who knows the guy and can vouch for him.  It is a small dating world out there, especially in Utah.  I haven't found a single guy yet who I couldn't get the scoop on . 

14.  Finally, be proactive.  I usually let the guys message me first but I have had my best luck when I found a guy I thought looked promising and sent him a message.  Guys love that.  But then I let them take it from there.  They have to ask me out and be the man from that point on!

That's it!  I could talk all night about this.  I love asking guys I go out with about their experience with meeting girls online.  So funny to hear about it from the other side.

Dating the Second Time Around

I am FINALLY giving you the dating posts I have been promising.  As much as I would love to give you hilarious dating stories, I am not going to do that.  I am saving those for my book.  Dating is hard when you're 20.  It is 10x harder when you are divorced, in your mid thirties, with four kids. 

I am going to need do this as a three-part series.  This post is about dating generally.  The second part is going to be about online dating.  The third part is going to be about knowing what you want and finding it.  And I may do a bonus post for the guys with a few hints and tips.  All of this is the world according to Brooke.  Which let's be honest--might as well be gospel truth right?!  But I do put the disclaimer out there that I only speak for myself.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get back "out there."  It felt really good to have men interested in me, to go on nice dates and get complimented.  I was surprised that men didn't seem to care that I have four kids (which I thought was going to be the kiss of death for me.)  What I didn't plan for was the heartache involved. I thought getting divorced was hard emotionally. While it is true that nothing will ever touch losing your marriage--I think the emotional roller coaster of dating is almost as bad.

My belief is that if after the first date, I can't see myself potentially marrying that person down the road, I need to say no to a second date.  At this age, most people are dating to find someone to marry.  No one is out there just to play games and have fun. Gone are the days of just going on a date for the free meal--sooooo not worth my time and energy!   When I get asked out for a second date and I am not interested, I say "Thank you so much for lunch/dinner.  I had a great time talking to you.  I just did not feel a romantic connection.  Good luck to you!"  Done.  The reverse also happens.  I have had guys who don't want to go on a second date with me.  But it is worse, because as women, we don't get told straight up that the guy isn't interested.  We are just left waiting for a call or text that never comes.

 

The same is true in relationships.  As soon as you know it isn't going to work--it is time to hit the belly release and give a good strong arch.  Cole and I broke up recently and that has been very hard.  We both knew that there were reasons it was probably not going to work for us to get married so we opted to say good-bye now.   It has been hard for both of us.  Break-ups suck.  And they don't suck any less as a grown adult.  In fact, they suck worse, especially if that person has met your children, your parents, your friends, gone to church with you, become part of your life.

The upside to dating the second time around is that you can see how someone is going to turn out.  When you are 20, you can see potential in people but you don't know the choices they will make down the road.   At this point, I can see how active someone is in the church (super important to me), how committed they are to their children (also important), if they have a career they are passionate about and make enough to provide (important.)  You can also see where they failed in their previous relationships/marriage.  I am honest with my dates about where my weaknesses are.  I have found that most men are honest with me as well.  It is good to know going in where we are going to struggle and if each others' weaknesses are going to be a deal breaker.

I also firmly believe that when I do find the right man and we get married, we will not take each other for granted.  We will appreciate the good things about our new marriage that we didn't have in our previous marriages. 

Dating has changed a lot since I was in my early 20s.  Texting, Facebook and email have totally changed the way the game is played. I tell my single friends who are getting divorced that it is time to spruce up their Facebook page. You have to market yourself.  Even if you are not a big facebooker, it is the first place a guy is going to go to check you out and see if he is interested.

Tomorrow, I will do a post on online dating.  It is it's own animal!  I've got some tips for my friends who are recently divorced and want to go online!

Mother's Day for the Divorced Mom

I've got motherhood on the brain.  After all, it is Mother's Day on Sunday.  I have been on my own for almost two years.  Sam and I got separated in July of 2011.  I remember the first month or so feeling so good.  I felt like I was being carried by some unseen force.  But then I remember a few months later, feeling defeated--feeling like my life was never going to be good again, at least, it was never going to be the same.  The adrenaline had worn off and the daily grind was a struggle for me.

Things are better now but sometimes I still catch myself daydreaming of my "other life."  You know, the one that I would be living if I hadn't got divorced.  I let myself go there for about thirty seconds and then I snap back to reality.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my life.  I am very blessed.  But every so often, I just want my old life back, where my kids didn't pack little bags and go back and forth between two houses and everything was just less complicated.  For me, that will always be the worst part of getting divorced--knowing that my kids' lives will never be the same.  I know that I will eventually get remarried and my life will probably be even better than it was before.  But I can't say that for my kids.  I still maintain that I got divorced in large part for my kids but I think it is going to take years for my children to understand and believe it was for the best.

I had the perfect childhood with a mom and dad who loved each other and everything was pretty idyllic.  My kids will never have that.  They will always have two homes. They will eventually have to deal with step-parents and step siblings. They will have the long awkward wedding invitations listing two sets of parents.

But at this point, I can't do anything about that.  All I can do is reassure my kids that both Sam and I love them more than anything.  I tell them that they are going to be fantastic, strong, amazing adults because they had to go through some really hard stuff as kids.  They will already know something about adversity when they are called on to face greater trials. 



But back to my mothering...I go back and forth between bursting with pride in how well I am doing and feeling like a total failure.   I guess that's normal.

Here is the thing..I'm not so good at the homemaking side of mothering.  We dig through the baskets of clean clothes every day for underwear and socks.  (I call it "go fish!")  Dinner is usually something fast and easy--most nights there is no roast in the oven.  But that was never my forte.

I feel like my strength is holding my big ol' 9 year old in my lap and crying with him because he wishes his parents weren't divorced.  I am good at going to five sports stores looking for a particular pair of bball socks for his Easter basket. I am good at listening to my 8 yr old's lengthy stories about what one girl said to another at school today.  I am great at taking her shopping and finding her the cutest clothes.   I am good at putting on a full witch costume and helping with the school parties on Halloween.  I am really good at body slamming my 3 year old and wrestling with him in my bed for thirty mins in the afternoon when all of his siblings are gone.  I am good at cheering him on as he learns to use the potty. I am good at snuggling with my 5 year old in the morning and telling him how special he is.  I am good at taking him to BYU sporting events even though he gets tired and wants to leave early.  I am good at reading with him before he goes to bed.

So while I mess up every.single.day and say things in frustration that I want to take back or I lose my patience, I need to remember that I am doing the best I can.  I am not the perfect mother--not even close.  But my mother wasn't perfect either (sorry mom!)  However, she was and still is the best mom for me.  I think I am the best mom for my kids.  And that is something worth celebrating.

Finding Hope this Christmas Season

I have so many things I want to blog about right now (Gourmet Dinner Night for starters) but my heart is heavy and I just can't bring myself to blog about the silly right now.

I have to admit that I have cried on and off several times over the last two days thinking about the families in Connecticut who lost their dear children.  I can't seem to shake the sadness in my heart thinking of them burying their children at Christmas time.  Then, tonight, I came across this video called "An Unexpected Gift" on my friend Marta's blog.  When I watched this video, I lost it.  It took me back to how I felt two years ago with the events in my own life.  While the circumstances were different, I still felt completely shocked and had the same experience of having to act like nothing was wrong for awhile.   I totally relate to the woman's experience of feeling held by Christ and carried through her ordeal.  Watch the clip here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpV4MIUrT9Y&feature=share&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0

Last year, it was Christmas time when Sam and I made the final decision to end our marriage.  I remember sitting in front of our Christmas tree telling the kids that Mom and Dad had decided to get divorced.  They cried in my lap and I cried with them.  Yet, I was able to share with them that the Savior understood and would help us get through it.  We talked about faith and hope and that Jesus came to earth not only to pay for our sins but to learn how to comfort us and carry us when we are in our darkest hour.

I have always been grateful that it was Christmas time when we were at our lowest point.  It gave my kids something else that was fun and happy to focus on.  But, more importantly, they learned why Jesus Christ came to earth.   The Savior made good on his promise--He has carried us ever since.  Here we are a year later..doing so well.  My children are happy.  Ryan still asks me questions about why we got divorced and what that means exactly.  I don't have all the answers but I can tell him that Heavenly Father and Jesus love him just like his earthly parents love him and that everything will be okay. I hope that the families in Connecticut who lost their precious children can be comforted the same way as I was that Christmas.

May the peace and love of our Savior bring each of you hope this Christmas season.

I Love You to the Moon and Back

Today I stumbled upon a YouTube video of a song Taylor Swift wrote for a little four-year-old boy named Ronan, who died of cancer.  Ronan's mother has a blog and Taylor Swift had been reading it and decided to write a song as a tribute to this mother and son. 

This song reminds me so much of my two little boys who love race cars and dinosaurs. I love to see my little guys playing together and hearing Buster's little voice calling Ryan "Ry Ry." My big kids went back to school last week and I have had a lot of time with these little guys.  Don't get me wrong..there are times when I want to pull my hair out.  Like when I find Buster's room like this:

And when I find them lounging in my brand new (off limits) chair and looking like orphans: 

But then they hug and kiss me and say "love you mama" and I melt.  I was just telling my mom that my favorite thing about Buster is hearing the pitter patter of his little bare feet in the hall.

Both of my little guys are so sweet.  Ryan helped me make lasagna and says the sweetest prayers.  It melts my heart.  Today they "got naked" outside when they were playing with the water and I couldn't get mad because they were so cute.  I wish I looked that cute naked. 

Anyway, Taylor Swift is so talented and I love her music.  In this song she says "I love you to the moon and back" and it made me cry because I always say that to my kids.  As bad as divorce is, it doesn't touch losing a child.  I am so grateful to not be in that club.  My heart goes out to any parent who has ever had to go through something that heartbreaking.  I also love this line in the song.  "Maybe the miracle was even getting one moment with you."  Such a hopeful way to look at losing someone so young.

"C'mon baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here"

"You were my best four years."

Take a listen. Prepare to cry.

Surviving My Divorce

I realized today that it has been two years since my marriage began to unravel and one year since Sam and I separated.  I wish I could go back and tell myself that it was all going to be okay.  I have friends who are just beginning the process and my heart goes out to them.  Everyone handles grief differently.  And going through a divorce is definitely a grief process.  You grieve the life you thought you were going to have and you grieve for your children.  Here is what helped me get through that difficult time:

First, please find people to confide in who will listen to you without telling you what to do.  Or if everyone does tell you what to do, listen, but try to listen to your heart and Heavenly Father more.  Ashley was a good, non-bossy listener:



Second, expect that this will be the worst time in your life.  Just wallow in it. Give in to it.  Get in your bed and cry.  Stop thinking that somehow you are going to get around the misery and the heartache without actually working your way through it.  If you are using other things as a distraction to avoid feeling the pain...stop it.  Believe me, it will hit you at some point so you might as well deal with your feelings now.  Along those same lines, your sadness will hit you at odd times.  I remember standing at the Macy's counter returning a knife set Sam gave me for Christmas.  The lady helping me said "Are you sure you want to return these knives, they are really a nice set."  I started bawling.  It felt like a symbol of me returning the life I had and loved.

Third, find a great Therapist/Counselor.  My marriage counselor met with me by myself in addition to meeting with me and Sam together during the year that Sam and I were doing marriage counseling.  The time I spent with her alone did so much more for me than the time I spent in there with Sam.  She convinced me that my divorce wasn't about me and helped me to get over feelings of regret, guilt, and anger.  Ask around for references.  You would be surprised at how many people/couples have seen a counselor.   Don't be embarrassed to ask friends if they have one they can recommend.

Fourth, spoil yourself.  No one else is going to do it.  I picked up good lunches for myself (because food is very important to me) and bought myself stuff that I wouldn't have normally splurged on.  Take your happiness anywhere you can find it.  I know, I know, stuff doesn't provide lasting happiness but it sure helps in the short term.

Fifth, exercise.  Just do it.  Every day.  Even if you hate it.  This was a life saver for me and for every single person I have talked to who has gone through a divorce.  The endorphins help.  Just getting out of the house every morning helps.  I did Club Phat when I things were going downhill with Sam and it was so good for me to have something else to focus on other than my failing marriage.  Training for a race or something along those lines would be great too.  Here is a picture of my good friend Kristen and I doing the Des News 10k:

Sixth, look on the bright side.  You won't believe this right now, but there are upsides to getting divorced.  I can see those now.  It isn't really kosher to say this but I love my time alone without my kids when Sam has them.  I love the break and getting stuff done.  My married friends are secretly jealous of my Saturdays "off."  I don't feel bad and I don't allow myself to miss my kids because when I do have them, It is a full time job with no help.  I also have learned how to manage my money and take care of all of my financial matters.  My dad has helped me a lot in this area...see this post.  But I feel empowered and secure now that I am on top of all of the grown up things.

Seventh, Try to get over the labels.  You know what I am talking about..."divorcee" (my least favorite!), "single mom", "broken family", "part member family", etc.  I remember being at church one day and having to walk out because we were having a lesson about missionary work where they kept talking about part member families.  I decided that day, I hated the label.  We were so much more than that.  However, now, the labels don't bother me so much.  Now I almost wear the "single mom" label like a badge of honor.

Eighth, try to get along with your ex...even if it is just for your kids.  If you can get along during the getting out phase, you will probably always get along.  People always tell me how great it is that Sam and I get along so well.  I am very lucky because Sam pays me every month, he shows up, he helps.  He isn't a jerk.  But there are times when it is still awkward.  We put our feelings aside and do our best to be kind to each other and accomodating because let's face it, we are in each other's lives forever because of our kids.  We took this picture together recently so that my kids have something to bring to school when they have to bring a photo of their family.  It was something we did just to help them have less stress when that situation arises:



Ninth, Rely on the Savior.  No matter what religion you are, look to a higher power for help and direction and perspective.  I found so much hope in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and healing in the Atonement.  Reading my scriptures, praying and attending the temple saved me during that critical time.  When Sam moved out, I felt very peaceful and calm and happy.  Not because he left, but because I felt the Spirit telling me I was doing the right thing.  That kind of peace cannot be found anywhere else.

Tenth, finally, know that this too shall pass.  Someday, you will wake up and go an entire day without thinking about the fact that you are divorced.  It will be your new normal.  Your kids will be okay, even better than okay..they will be happy.  I am only a year out from getting separated and I am happy.  I am much happier than I was living in the no man's land of "should I stay or should I go."



Maybe my next post will be about re-entering the dating scene the second time around!  Heaven help me.

What To Do For a Friend Going Through a Divorce

This is the second post in a three part series I am doing about Divorce.  (Because I love talking about divorce!)  I actually do in a weird way.  I think it is because for so long, I couldn't talk about what was going on my life and I am an open book.  I love that I can now discuss some of this stuff.

First, several people commented on my last divorce post and said that they hoped they had not said any of the wrong things to me and offended me.  No way!  I rarely get offended and I should have mentioned that when something is said in love, even if it is the wrong thing, it is okay.  I was so grateful to anyone who did say something to me.  I remember when I sent my cousin Liz an email telling her I was getting divorced.  A few minutes later she was knocking on my door.  She said "When you get an email like that, you don't respond, you come over."  It meant a lot to me.  Obviously, I haven't forgotten it.

Divorce is not something I knew much about when I got divorced.  I knew divorced people, but I never was close to anyone going through a divorce.  So my own was really my first taste of it.  I was overwhelmed with the thoughtful things people did and continue to do for me.  This is personal but when I got separated, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing.  He blessed me that others would step up and help me in various ways and help shoulder some of the burden of my divorce.  I have seen that come to pass over and over again.

One of the things that helped me the very most was when people brought dinner in.   Food is love.  Having a warm meal that someone else made just feels great. When you hear that someone is going through a separation or divorce, you don't usually think of bringing dinner.  That usually comes to mind if someone is  having a baby or surgery.  But when your heart is broken or you are going through something emotionally draining, the last thing you feel like doing is cooking for your family.   In the first little while after my separation, I spent a lot of time just sitting on the couch thinking.  It is a grieving process and I will forever be thankful for those friends who dropped off dinner during that time.

Along those same lines, I have a lady in my neighborhood named Linda who just happened to stop in and bring me flowers two years ago a few days after things started to fall apart with Sam.  She had no idea what I was going through but just felt like bringing me flowers from her yard.  She happens to be divorced and remarried.  I ended up confiding in her that night.  Since then, she and her amazing husband have been two of the most supportive, awesome people in my life.  They bring me flowers almost every week from their yard and are like second grandparents to my kids.  Steve was at my house today helping me with my sprinklers.  That's how they roll.  The give me hope that things will work out.  They have both been through divorces and came out happy on the other side.  I feel so lucky to know them.

Along with that, I was also grateful for my mother who came and took my kids away almost daily for a couple hours here or there.  It gave me time to think, go to the temple or sleep.  Often times, all I wanted to do was get in my bed and hide.  She gave me the time to do that and it was really therapeutic for me.  Other friends took my kids as well and it was a total gift.

My mom still drops off groceries to me and she does it for another friend of mine as well who recently got divorced.  I don't know anyone who doesn't have a change of lifestyle when they divorce.  Money is always going to be tighter.  And while I am very lucky that Sam is generous and I don't have to work, I do have to be really careful with my money.  Getting a bag of staples like flour, sugar, milk, choc chips, cereal is awesome and just one less thing I have to buy for my family.  (This is not a veiled attempt to get you all to drop off groceries to my house--haha--just trying to give you ideas for others!)

The photo at the top of the post is of me and my siblings, spouses and parents.  That was taken the other night when we all went to dinner. (Props to my dad for choosing to stand in front of that garage..it almost makes the photo look professional!) I think it is so important to have family support in a divorce.  I knew that my family believed in me and would always be in my corner.  So if someone in your own family is going through a divorce, please reach out to them and be kind and loving.  I had a little bit of a hard time that night because I drove to dinner alone and left alone while all of my siblings came and went with their spouses.  Stuff like that is hard.  It will probably be hard for a long time.  I may have even cried a bit on the way home.  But my family never made me feel weird during dinner that I was alone.  I am very lucky to have them.

I mentioned in my last post that it doesn't help to say "What can I do?"  because people will answer "Nothing."  It is hard to ask for help.  It is easier if someone just jumps in and does something.  My neighbor Doug informed me he was going to be taking care of my yard for the summer.  He mows, he weeds, he trims, he cuts down trees.  The guy walks on water in my book.  One night, I was talking to my kids about service and helping others and Luke brought up how Doug takes care of us by doing our yard.  I was so grateful that my kids have him as an example of Christlike service.  Doug is a bishop in a singles' ward and works full time.  The dude is busy.  But he does this for me out of the goodness of his heart.  It probably means more to me than anything else and I love that he jumped in and did it on his own.

Finally, I think one of the best things you can do is call your friend who is going through a divorce and ask how they are doing or write a note.  I have friends who listened to me on a daily basis for months as I sorted through the emotions of my divorce.  They convinced me that I was wonderful, beautiful, talented and that my divorce had nothing to do with me.  I will be forever grateful to those friends who made me believe in myself.  I also had many guy friends who did this for me or friends' husbands and sometimes it meant even more coming from a man.  I especially needed those calls at night after the kids were in bed because that is when the house was quiet and I would get lonely. 

Any other good ideas on what to do for someone going through a divorce?

What to Say to a Friend Going Through a Divorce

Recently, my sister Ashley told me she thought I should do a post on what to say to a friend going through a divorce.  She also wanted to know what she could do that would be meaningful and helpful for a friend in that situation.

I started telling Ashley a few things and realized I had a lot of thoughts on the subject.  I am going to do a three part series on this..the first being what to say (and not say) to someone going through a divorce (along with my thoughts on telling others of your own divorce), the second being how to help someone going through a divorce and the last will be how to survive your own divorce. 

One of the hardest things about getting separated is deciding who to tell and what to say to people.  When Sam and I got separated, I didn't know if we were going to ultimately divorce.  I really hoped that we would be able to work things out and get back together.  So when Sam first moved out, I only told a few close friends what was going on.  As the months went by, and I realized where it was headed, I started to tell more people. 

The hardest people to tell were people close to us who loved our family a lot.  The picture at the top of this post is of my Gourmet Dinner Night friends.  Telling this group was especially hard because they all knew and loved Sam and because I had never said a word about the fact that Sam and I were having problems so the news hit them like the atomic bomb.  But they were all so supportive and loving and cried along with me.

I found it was helpful if I decided ahead of time exactly what I was going to say and how much I was going to say to people.  Sometimes, the other person's tearful/shocked reaction to my news would put me into tears.  Or sometimes I would run into someone I hadn't seen in a while and they would innocently ask about Sam and I would burst into tears.  It's okay.  People understand. 

These were all the Christmas cards I received last year.  I kept them up until almost Easter because it just felt so good to look at it and know so many people cared about me and my family.  I had considered telling people in my Christmas letter that Sam and I were divorcing but then Ashley reminded me that "Nothing says Merry Christmas like a divorce announcement."  haha. 

Another difficult thing is letting people know who you are friends with but haven't seen in a really long time.  After much consideration, I finally decided to just change my status on facebook and let people ask.  It was hard for a day or two to know that everyone was seeing it for the first time but it was also a relief to just have it out there.  Many old friends sent me messages, emails, texts and reached out to offer their love and support.

Sometimes the most awkward situations arose when I didn't tell people for way too long and then they found out by seeing me on a date or in some other strange way.  My next door neighbor found out because we were both outside this spring and he yelled to me "What's new?"  I yelled back "you heard I got divorced right?!"  He yelled back "No..I'm sorry!  Let me know if there is anything I can do!"  And I yelled back "Thanks!"  haha.  We are not close so that was sufficient in that case!

So you ask, "What should I say to someone going through a divorce?"  I think the best thing to say is "You must really be hurting right now.  I'm so sorry."  I also appreciated "You are in my prayers" and "I'm thinking about you."  Don't say "Let me know if there is anything I can do"  or "What can I do for you?"  Because the answer will always be "oh, nothing..I am fine."  Just jump in and do something..anything!  Write a note, bring in a meal, give me a hug (though not at church..because that made me cry in front of other people and I hated that!)

The worst thing for me to hear which will come as a surprise to most people was "I feel so sorry for your sweet children."  Guess what?  I do too!  But you saying that only adds to my guilt that I couldn't save this thing.  The better thing to say is "How are your children doing?" or "Kids are resilient..they will get through this."  I was very comforted by all of the people who told me they were the product of divorced parents.  It made me feel better to see that kids with divorced parents can still turn into wonderful, healthy adults.

Finally, if I can stress one thing, it would be to never, ever respond to the news of some one's divorce by saying negative things about some one's ex.  Unless you have a very close relationship and are certain that you will not offend them, I would really avoid saying anything to the tune of "What a jerk!"  or "I never liked him anyway" or my favorite "I always thought you were too good for him."  These things do not make me feel better.  I did choose that guy once and he is still the father of my kids.

And please don't avoid me or say nothing at all.  That is the very worst of all.  Even if all you can say is "I'm sorry."  That is better than pretending that I am fine and nothing is going on.

I feel like I am doing so well now.  It has been a year since Sam and I separated and I hope that some of this might be helpful to others going through a divorce or who have friends going through one.  I guess what I, personally, would say to a friend going through a divorce is that life goes on.  You may not believe it right now, but you will feel normal again and even happy!  Just hang in there.  Please feel free to comment with other good ideas!

You're Doing Okay Mom!

Have you seen this commercial? 



It is my new favorite.  It makes me cry because I remember very distinctly what it was like to bring my first baby, Luke, home from the hospital.  I had no clue what I was doing with nursing and it would take two hours for Luke to eat.  When he was done, I had an hour and it was time to start all over again.  We did this Around.The.Clock.  I was up all night, every night.  I was a basket case.  I was stressed.  I thought I was doing everything wrong and I would look at moms in the ward with four kids and wonder how the heck they were doing it.  I remember saying to Sam, "It will be a miracle if I can just keep this baby alive for the first year."

Well, fast forward almost nine years.  Luke is alive and kicking.  And I still make all my mistakes on him.  When I am having a really bad day (like yesterday when the house is a disaster, I am running kids from thing to thing to thing, my whiny two year old won't stop crying at Sammie's dance dress rehearsal and insists on being on stage, and I can't find Ryan's $%^%* soccer socks, and then Luke tosses a block at Ryan and it hits him in the mouth and I completely lose my cool.)  I go crazy on Luke when what I really want to scream is that it is hard doing it alone and I am stressed and life wasn't supposed to turn out like this and it's Mother's Day weekend for crying out loud..But I can't. I just get mad at Luke about something that really is no big deal. 

When Sam came last night and picked up the kids, Luke got in Sam's car with tears in his eyes and wouldn't look at me to say goodbye. I went on with my night, heartsick about the way I lost my temper.  I felt like a failure.  Then I saw that commercial and I wept like a baby.  Because I remember feeling like a failure back then and knowing now how I was anything but.  I am proud of myself as a young terrified mother and I am cutting myself some slack now too. 

I guess the point of this post is to say to all the mother's out there...we are doing okay, maybe even better than okay.  We are doing our best and sometimes that is good enough.

And to my own Mom, who always did way better than okay, I love you so much.  I hope you know that.  I don't say thank you enough for being my counselor, babysitter, cheerleader and best friend.  Happy Mother's Day!

If You Just Can't Get Enough of Me Here

Go to Ashley's blog to see what she and I did last weekend   I have had so many follow-up thoughts to my imperfection post.  I may need to do another post.  Really, I could talk all day about divorce..what a fun topic!  Thank you for the kind comments, emails, facebook messages and calls.  I think the comments I got on this last post were my best ever..so heartfelt and meaningful.  I love blogging about "the silly" and I will continue to do that because it keeps me sane.  But I think I love blogging about real life/trials/happiness more. Believe it or not, those posts are the easiest for me to write because I write from my heart.  The words just pour out and I think those posts are powerful because they carry the weight of truth and authenticity...or maybe you all are just nosy about my divorce...either way, my divorce posts seem to be popular.

I guess I want to say that I know I've got it pretty good.  Even my divorce is good.  My "ex" (I hate that word) is a great guy.  He shows up, he pays, he takes my kids on vacations and helps with homework and coaches soccer.  He drives me to the airport and puts new tires on my car when I'm out of town.  He fixes things at my house while I'm gone.  I am lucky.  It sounds silly but I thank Heavenly Father every night for a good divorce and for Sam.

That said, Divorce is still hard.  Worrying about making ends meet is hard.  Sleeping in a big bed alone is hard.  Dating with kids is hard.   Traveling alone is hard.  Seeing my sister with her cute husband is hard.  Wondering if I will ever get remarried is hard.  Going to the temple alone is hard.  Mowing the lawn is going to be hard.

Me, alone with my boys at Disneyland...post still coming

But there are some things that are easier.  I get nights off all to myself.  I get Saturdays off.  I get to go out to nice restaurants and have someone else pay.  I get nice compliments from men. I get to do new things that I haven't been able to do before.  I get to spend more one on one time with each kid when Sam takes the other ones. I get to manage my own money and not answer to anyone.  I get to leave the house a mess. I get to not cook.  I get more closet space and drawer space and all the covers.  I get to be the boss and I like being the boss. But sometimes I want to be the queen instead.

Now go check out my fun weekend at Ashley's where I was treated like a queen...massage, shamrock shake, shopping, fine dining (Hi Kaari!) and great conversation!

ps.  I have tried to write a dating post at least 10 times.  It makes me nervous to talk about dating on my blog.  I don't know why.  Maybe it feels too personal.  Maybe I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  But I am still working on it.  Dating has been a wild ride.  It was a little too much too soon so I have been taking a break from dating the last month and probably will  for another couple months or so.  Hopefully, I wll get something together for you soon!

My (Im)Perfect Life

Don't you think it's time for another divorce post?  me too.  I just got home from visiting Ashley for the weekend.  Every time I go on a trip since I got divorced, I get a pit in my stomach coming home.  I finally acknowledged to myself that I just don't want to return to my imperfect life.  Then I come home, my kids smother me with kisses and loves and I get busy and forget that I didn't want to come home.

I was at Costco recently and saw a girl I have known (from afar) since college.  She doesn't know me but I have seen her over the years and everything seems to go perfectly for her.  She is beautiful with four beautiful kids.  She was at Costco in darling clothes with sparkly pink Toms to match her daughters' sparkly pink Toms.  I was there sweaty from the gym with my two ragamuffin boys in the clothes they had worn the day before because they slept over at Sam's.  I thought, "Oh there is Nikki (name changed!) still living her perfect life."  I don't hate her for it but I would be lying if I said I wasn't envious of her for just a moment.

I never thought about my life before my divorce as perfect.  But now I realize it pretty much was. 

I remember saying to a friend a few weeks before my world fell apart that I had never really had any big trials in my life.  I felt like life was pretty easy.  And then the roof caved in.  The next few months after that were Hell for me but very few people knew what I was going through.  So to everyone on the outside, I was still living a perfect life.  And because of that, it was the worst time in my life.

Then the time came to get separated.  Somehow, in some way, telling people was liberating.  It was excruciating on one hand because so many people had no idea that Sam and I were having problems.  I felt the guilt of letting others down in addition to my own sadness with what was going on with our family.  In reality, I didn't care what anyone thought.  I just wanted my kids to be okay.  But there was still a part of me that felt like I had joined the island of the misfit toys.

The holidays were hard.  We were getting our papers ready to file.  The Big D (as I call it) was first and foremost in my mind and seemed to overshadow Christmas in a lot of ways.  Christmas night was especially difficult for me.  Sam had spent the morning and early afternoon with us and then left about 3:00 p.m. to go back to his house.  I think that was my most difficult night.  The holidays are for people with perfect lives.  At least it's easy to believe that.  Having Sam here for Christmas, I was able to forget for a moment that we were a "broken family".  Luckily, that night, my mom sensed my sadness on the phone (or I might have completely bawled to her, I don't remember) and she and my dad came over and brought us dinner and cheered us up.

The truth is...I am imperfect.  I always was.  Now, it is just a little more obvious.  I'm just starting to embrace it.  My house will always be a mess.  There will always be bags on the floor of clothes the kids bring back from Sam's house.  We will always be that family at church with no dad...at least for the time being.  I hope that by being imperfect, I am allowing others to be imperfect also.  The Savior, who was the only perfect person to live on this earth, spent his time healing the sick and the afflicted and lifting others from sin and despair. The more broken I am, the more humble and teachable I am and the more willing I am to let Him into my life.

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in.

(From the poem Anthem by Leonard Cohen)

Leap of Faith

This blog is dying a slow death. But since today is February 29th (leap day!) it made me think about my gigantic leap of faith. I don't want this blog to be a divorce blog but I hope you will indulge me one more time.

When my marriage hit the rocks 18 months ago, I didn't want to give up. Divorce was never in my plans and never even seemed like an option to me. I thought Sam and I would be together forever, literally. But things change and I have learned that we are only in control of our own life, as much as we would like to control other people. As time went on, I began to realize that things were not getting better.

Sam and I were going to marriage counseling every week but somehow, in the very deep part of my heart, I knew this marriage wasn't going to work. And it killed me. I couldn't even look at my kids without crying because I knew how it was going to blow their world apart. As a mother, you want to do everything in your power to protect your kids from sadness, disappointment, and heartache. So, it was heartbreaking for me to know that I was going to be the one causing that for them...or if not causing it, I was not going to be able to protect them from it.



Fast Forward a bit to somewhere last fall. Sam had moved out and I was doing my best to be a good mom, keep up with my church callings, my friends, my workouts, the laundry and everything else. I remember climbing into bed one night and feeling defeated. I honestly just couldn't see how my life was ever going to be good again. I knew, at a minimum, it was never going to be the same. I remember saying out loud "I feel hopeless." I picked up my scriptures and opened to where my bookmark was in Moroni, chapter 7. I was at the end of the Book of Mormon and I came across this verse:

"And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that you can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold, I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."

Moroni 7:40-42.

To me, this was an undeniable miracle. Here was the Lord telling me to have hope in the very moment I needed to hear it. If I claimed to have faith, how could I not have hope? Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the Atonement gives us ultimate hope. I fell asleep feeling peaceful and hopeful for my future.



Not long after that, I knew that it was time to get divorced. Divorce is not a decision that anyone makes lightly. But one day, I just knew. I knew I didn't want to wake up every day wondering if my marriage was bad enough to do something about. I knew divorce was the right decision for me and Sam and our children. But I was scared..terrified really. Here I was, 34 years old, and I had never paid a bill, never done our finances, never shoveled the walk. I have a law degree but I haven't worked in 8 years. I was worried about how I was going to make it financially. I was also terrified to be ultimately alone in the world. When you are married, you are a team; you win together and you lose together. And from now on, it would just be me. Not to mention, I was worried about being responsible for four kids who needed me for spiritual guidance and to be the leader in our home. It was, and is, an awesome responsibility.

But that is where faith comes in. I have been promised that there are brighter days ahead in my future. I know the Lord has big plans for me. I know he will take care of me and my kids and make up the difference where I fall short. I knew I had to take a leap of faith into the dark but there is light on the other side. That's not to say I don't have bad days. And to be completely honest, I have moments where I miss Sam. I miss the life we had. But you know what? Things are good. I am happy. My kids are happy. I am hopeful. Life goes on. Divorce is an end to a marriage but it doesn't have to be "the end." For me, it feels like a new beginning to the rest of my life. So it is appropriate that 2012 is Leap Year...It is my year!

The Dance

Right after the holidays, I was having some bad days, more specifically, some bad nights. For me, the grief of my divorce hits me after my kids are in bed, when the house is quiet and I have time to think. The mornings are hard too, right when I wake up and I remember that this is my life, and I am really getting divorced, and it wasn't all a bad dream. Sam and I have been separated for over five months so I am used to being alone. I think I have come to terms with my current situation. What is hard for me, is how to deal with the past.



Divorce is hard on so many levels. I could never possibly explain to someone who has not been through it, all the ways it hurts. And it hurts in a different way than it would hurt if your spouse died. I mentioned in my earlier post about my divorce that I don't know what to do with my memories. I got married at 21 and have been married my entire adult life. Every memory I have from adulthood includes Sam. We went through law school together, worked in Washington D.C. together. We got our first jobs, bought our first home and took vacations and trips together. We had four kids together. We experienced all of the excitement and hard times that goes along with that, together.



And I don't know what to do with those memories now that our marriage is over. It makes me feel like a part of me is gone. I am crying even as I type this because no one else will ever really know me the way Sam did. He has seen me at my very best and my very worst. He knows me so intimately and knows all the funny stories of my past. He was the witness to my life, so to speak. I worry that whoever I end up in the future, will only be getting a part of me..the current me. My history will be boxed up in photo albums and old blog posts. My future husband will never know the whole me.



I talked to my counselor about these feelings and for the first time since I started seeing her, she really didn't have any answers for me. She simply said, "that is one more thing to mourn."



But tonight, as I was doing dishes and listening to my ipod, Garth Brook's "The Dance" came on. As I was listening to the words, it made me realize that I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end with Sam. I'm grateful for the 13 amazing years we spent together. I'm happy that I was able to have a best friend and lover in my life and even though the time has come that we have to go our separate ways, I am grateful we had "the dance." I don't regret marrying Sam. We had something special. And it's okay to be sad that it's over.



As for the memories, I don't know. Hopefully, with time, I will make sense of all of it. That part of my life still made me who I am today. So even if the past is tainted a bit by my present situation, it isn't gone.



"Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. Video here:

http://www.veoh.com/watch/v18764241fqS6FyPC

Thank You

Dear Friends,

The above picture is of me and my kids at the happiest place on earth. At the risk of sounding totally cheesy, whenever I am with them, I am still at the happiest place on earth. I am so lucky to have them. I have never felt alone even once in this process because I am surrounded by these four darling, fun, energetic kids. I am a lucky mama!

I am overwhelmed with all of the emails, text messages, facebook messages, phone calls and comments on my blog. I feel so loved and supported. I didn't even know I had 44 readers, let alone, that many people who cared enough to leave super nice comments. The only time I have received more comments is when I did that controversial post about home births and people came out of the woodwork to rip me...so this was a big improvement!

Most of you were probably coming over yesterday to read a Bachelor recap. I wanted to do it but the divorce has just been consuming my thoughts and I knew I couldn't give the recap the attention it deserved. Luckily for you, my friend Greg picked up the torch and did an awesome recap over on his blog. Go here if you watched the Bachelor (and even if you didn't!)

Please be patient with me if you have sent a message and I haven't responded yet. I will get to you! It is probably inevitable that I will talk more about my divorce on my blog..probably more along the lines of surviving a divorce and moving forward. But this blog will remain first and foremost about all the stuff that really matters like shopping and celebrity gossip and my crazy mothering. Maybe even some fun dating stories if that day ever comes..Heaven help me!!

Thanks again. I have the best blog readers in the land. XOXO

Brooke

New Year, New Life

Without a doubt this last year and a half has been the hardest time of my life. I don't know how to lead up to what I am about to say so I will just say it. My marriage is ending. Sam and I are getting divorced. I know that for many of you, this will come as a total shock. It still seems surreal to me on so many levels. I never ever thought I would be someone who would get divorced...that is something that happens to other people. I even remember assuring my children a couple years ago when they asked what divorce was, that Sam and I would never get divorced. Never say never.



I will not be sharing the details of why we are getting divorced here out of respect to Sam and our children. But I will say that I will always love Sam and I truly believe we will always be friends. He is a fantastic father and his children mean the world to him. I am proud of the life we had and the children that we are raising together. And speaking of our kids, by far and a way, the hardest part of divorce is trying to explain to our children why dad is moving out when they have never seen us fight or even argue. My children are heartbroken but are doing amazingly well for the most part.



I have learned so much through this trial in my life. It is so cliche to say but it is true that our trials refine us. This experience has changed me into a stronger, more compassionate, deeper person..the person Heavenly Father wanted and needed me to be. I am convinced that while Heavenly Father didn't want this for our family, he knew that this was the only way for me to grow in that way. My testimony is stronger, I have more confidence in myself and my abilities and quite frankly, I have seen miracles this year with my children and in my home. I know my Savior Jesus Christ on a more intimate level and His Atonement means so much more to me now.

I also have grown so close to my family and I can honestly say I would not have survived this last year and a half without their unwavering support and love. I am so lucky to have them. Ashley has given me hundreds of hours of free therapy. Sam's family is wonderful too and have been very supportive of both of us as well. I also have the most incredible friends. People who love me even when I am not funny or even all that fun to be around.



I know the path ahead is not going to be easy. I still have some really dark days. I was doing really well for a long time and some days now I feel like I am right back to where I started. My therapist tells me grief is cyclical and I am mourning the death of my marriage and the life I thought I was going to have. Sometimes, I think I am doing fine and then something completely small and insignificant will put me over the top. It is especially hard for me to look at old photographs and videos of our family. I don't know what to do with my memories of the last 13 years. I had such a happy marriage. And while I am grateful for that, it also makes this whole thing harder in a lot of ways.



The great news for me is that I get to stay in our home and I don't have to go back to work. It is a priority for Sam to have me stay home with our kids and he wants to keep providing for us and wants our lives to stay the same. He is a good person and I am so grateful that we get along and still do things together with our children. We spent a lot of time together over the holidays and I am happy that he will still be in my life.

I remember telling a friend that I was getting divorced a couple months ago. She looked at me and said "What are you going to DO?" and repeated it several times completely frantic. I just looked at her and said "Probably get up tomorrow morning, get my kids breakfast, put my shoes on, take them to school, go to the gym...." Life goes on. The point is to not let this break me. I can go to bed and be sad for months or I can just pick up the pieces and keep going forward. I know there are good things to come...brighter days ahead. I know that. And I am excited to see what this new year will hold for me and my kids.