Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sam's Birthday Tribute (Roast) to Me

Brooke asked me to provide the contents of a blog post for her birthday. The assignment was to write 32 things about her since she is turning 32. I asked her if it had to be touchy-feely? She said no. Could it be sarcastic? Sure. Could I have a little fun and talk about how she has clogged toilets in six different States and the District of Columbia? No. Even though I recognized the assignment as the proverbial bear trap that it is, I agreed to her request—as I always do. So here it goes.

32. She firmly believes that Adam fell that Eve might shop; and Eve shops, that she might have joy.

31. She hates being tickled, so I tickle her often and when she least expects it.

30. She loves trashy television. Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, The Bachelor, etc. I have never seen her watch a documentary of any kind.

29. She loves her kids more than anything. I wish I could say I was in second place. I am probably in the top ten behind Oreos, Diet Coke on ice, Mrs. Cavanaugh’s eggs, blogging, Thin Mints, the minivan and shopping.

28. In a moment of quiet honesty, she will admit to being the source of Sammie’s “sweet” personality.

27. She is closest to her little sister, Ashley, and in the right frame of mind could beat up her brothers, Rex and Cam. At the same time or separately. She has unusually sharp nails and a strong kick.

26. She is passive aggressive. Once in Granite furniture in Orem, Utah, a salesperson told her that she could not have food in the store. Brooke was eating frozen yogurt from a paper cup. She kindly thanked the salesperson for the information, turned the corner, made sure she was out of sight, and discarded the cup and spoon onto some of Granite’s finest furniture.

25. She would voluntarily cut off a hand before eating regular full fat/calorie butter, sour cream or ice cream. But she would eat a sleeve of Oreos without any guilt or hesitation.

24. At restaurants, she always take a bite (or two) of my meal. She will often try to justify her conduct by offering a bite of her entrée. I never accept the invitation with the hope that it will have a chilling effect on her future conduct. It has not.

23. Despite my complaints, she is very generous toward neighbors, friends, and ward members, cooking meals, doing errands, baby-sitting kids, etc.

22. She believes that she is the creative genius behind our Christmas card. This is the source of much contention.

21. I do not think she will ever get over the idea that we have a subpar wedding video. About four years ago, I thought she had made her peace with it, but the issue resurfaces like Lochness from the deep every time a sibling weds.

20. She is the world’s biggest anti-morning person. Regardless of when she goes to bed, she is exhausted every morning and can never get up. She also “gets hit” with fatigue while driving and flying. When we drove cross-country in 2002, she would sleep all day in the passenger seat.

19. Associated with #20 (above), she often naps on the weekend and will always under-sell the time of her nap with statements like “I tossed and turned…” and “I never got comfortable…” She should outlive me by twenty years based upon our sleep differential.

18. She takes great pleasure in purchasing, assembling and accessorizing our children’s clothing. We have dozens of large containers in our basement packed with children’s clothes.

17. She routinely milks her birthday for at least a week of special treatment and favors. Similarly, she purchases presents for herself in advance, usually about six months out.

16. She and I can no longer engage in certain activities at the temple due to a laughing incident in 2003 that almost got us kicked out. (I cannot disclose the specifics…not because they are a secret, but because they are sacred).

15. She will never forgive me for not dropping her off at the hospital entrance when she was in labor with Samantha. For some inexplicable reason, I just pulled into the parking garage at LDS Hospital, and we walked in together. She never complained at the time, and it seemed logical.

14. She could be a great con artist, having mastered deception and misdirection at a young age.

13. She has expensive taste. Not a complaint, just an observation. I had to get creative to pay for her wedding ring. I would explain but I don’t know if the statute of limitations has run. (Corbet, from Fortier at Fashion Place Mall, if you are reading, thanks!)

12. She is the person whom Billy Joel was thinking about when he penned the following lyrics:

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

11. She always gets emotional about her maternal grandmother, Kathleen Poole, whom she was named after. She is close to all of her grandparents and feels guilty for not seeing them more often.

10. She struggles to pronounce the following words differently: “pool,” “pole,” “pull,” and “pulled.” Ask her sometime.

9. She graduated from law school the year ahead of me, worked as a prosecutor, retired when Luke was born and has never looked back. I am confident that she will never again practice law. I wish I could say that.

8. She is sometimes confrontational with strangers and family—never afraid to mix things up—but she usually plays nice.

7. She is a great mom and puts the kids needs before her own. They will have fond memories of their childhoods and will be better people as the result of her influence.

6. She is easily offended in situations involving customer service. If wronged, she will devote countless hours until she is made whole and enjoys speaking to management. Hell hath no fury like Brooke scorned.

5. She is an advocate for sunless tanning. Instead of obtaining a tan from the sun, she applies a tan from a bottle/can. Although this protects against skin cancer, it has been known to stain sheets and have orange undertones.

4. She never drinks calories with a few exceptions: (a) homemade smoothie; (b) milk with cookies/dessert; and, (3) low calorie punch.

3. Regardless of when she puts a new post on her blog, she always makes me check my phone before going to bed to see if there are any new comments. She lives and dies with each post.

2. She has always been a magnet for older men. Whenever we visit her home ward, the old men line up after the meeting to give her a hug.

1. She is the cheese to my macaroni.


Pandy said...

Happy Birthday, Brooke! The fact that Sam posted on your blog is further evidence that he is not real. He's some magical, fictional character dressed up as a real man. I'm sure of it.

You are, and always have been, uniquely Brooke - and I say that with great respect and love. I enjoyed reading Sam's selections for you and think they were right on.

I might rival you in your hatred of mornings. I use to be an early riser, but since I often don't have a pressing need to get up early, I lounge around and read my blogs, etc. until I'm good and ready to step into the shower and face the day. That is often around 10:00. I'm not proud of it, but I do deserve it!

We're spending Kelly's birthday on Thursday at Disneyland. She was pretty insistent that we do something really fun since her last birthday was spent trying to push the little alien out. I don't think she'll ever forgive Bailey for that!

Have a great day!

lindsey said...

Happy Birthday Brooke!!!

Sam, you perfectly captured Brooke! Witty and wry humor suits you both.

Christie said...

This was the best birthday post/roast I've ever read! I love it. And I think I'm more like you than you'll ever know. Happy birthday!

Dave and Christine said...

Happy Birthday, Brooke! I wish I could get some guts like you and dispose of frozen yogurt in some couch cushions at Granite furniture. I love it.

Jessica said...

Happy Birthday Brooke! I love the Granite furniture story! And you absolutely must work the B-day special treatment--not just a week, the whole month is important!

Mandee said...

WHAT? We even have birthdays in the same month! Why didn't you tell me?

Let's meet up to celebrate and talk about #16!

And lastly, Sam is a good man. I love everything he had to say, but #1 was my favorite.

Linde said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great day and week!

That was a great post from Sam. He is so creative and funny! I think it is great he could come up with 32 things that are so unique and different...that is talent!

Thanks for being my friend! Hope is is a fun one!

Kelly said...

I think Brent and I have had the same "laughing incident" at the Temple.
Happy Birthday!

Kelly said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROOKE!! I love that we are 1 day apart. First of all, I hope you have a great day! Sam is adorable with those 32 things and he seems to be right on! I was cracking up the whole time. All of those things are reasons that we all love you. I wish we lived closer so we could hang out more often. Here's to hating mornings (I am the worst, the hardest thing about parenting), clogging toilets, loving our kids, speaking our minds, shopping and fountain diet coke!!!

Amy M. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelly said...

Happy Birthday! I hope your day/week is wonderful! ;) You are darling and I'm glad I've gotten to "know" you through blogging!

Amy M. said...

I'm so with you on #4 and #32. At the next gourmet night, you MUST tell about the laughing incident. I always have those at the times when I most should NOT be laughing. It's horrible!
Good post, Sam.

Liz said...

Happy Birthday Brooke! You make 32 look good. What a sweet hubby. Bill wouldn't touch my blog with a 10-foot pole. I'll eat a few oreos in honor of you!

katie said...

Happy Birthday Brooke!

Kimmie said...

Those were all right on...what a good hubby. There are 2 things I would add to the list

1. Im not sure I can say it on the blog...let's just say she's got great legs and always will (no matter how many oreos she eats) and I know the reason why she gets all those "hugs"... I've always been jealous Brookie!! I wish I looked 1/2 as good after having babies and being 32!!!

2. Brooke's extreme fear of birds may cause her unpleasant emotions, but it was always hysterical to witness (ie. the time a bird flew into our Liberty Square apartment!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROOKIE...Im honored to have spent some of best years of my life being one of your roomates! You'll always be a "pillar of strength and beauty" in my book.

D-dawg said...

Awesome. So funny too. Dave and I have a similar rule about the temple. There was a laughing incident once and it involved tears, shakes and all in an inappropriate place. It was really bad. We have to be very careful to even look at each other when we're there now.

D-dawg said...

oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy said...

Happy Birthday Miss Brooke. You have always been one of my favorite cousins. And I'm not just saying that. I have so many fun memories of us together. You are and always have been nuts, and I think that's what I love so much about you. Hope you got yourself just what you wanted this year!

Sam, you're one hell of a guy. I don't think I could pay Landon enough money to blog for me.

Jill said...

Happy Birthday Brooke! And great post Sam! Funniest couple award goes to you!

Jaime said...

Great post Sam. I have been telling Brooke for some time now that you need your own blog.

So true about 32 things about Brooke. I laughed so hard. I have personally eye witnessed several passive aggressive confrontations with Brooke people who "did her wrong". The words Hardees and mashed potatoes might conjure up some memories Brooke.

Happy Birthday Brooke! I love you!

Laura said...

Happy Birthday Brooke we will have to do lunch!!

Linda said...

Happy Birthday, Brookie!! I loved Sam's list! I take credit for a few of those traits (I'm getting ready to call "Food for Thought" right now and ream them out about the terrible service and attitude we got today - sorry it was your B-day lunch! Why didn't we dump our drinks - that we got ourselves-- on the floor!)
Have a wonderful weekend in Washington!! Keep celebrating the birthday. You are amazing - you've accomplished so much in your short 32 years!! I am so proud of you!!

The Mostess said...

Haha. That's great. You are a good man Sam.

1.Trashy TV rules

2.At least you had a wedding video...sob!

3.Mornings suck

4.We could con the world together. I am also quick and easy with deception and misleading.

5.I was told to "Be quiet" "hush" and "quiet down" in the temple on my wedding day. The old people did not like me very much.

6.Was that a Beastie Boys or Juno reference? Points for Beastie added. Points for Juno deducted.

Happy Birthday Lady I Don't Really Know, but Kinda Know Through My Blog and Consider a Friend to Some Degree!

Laura B. said...

This is the best post ever! Brooke, I love that you got Sam to do this for you and that it's so hysterical.
Ben would say, "Laura is great. the end". Not what I would want on my birthday!
So KUDOS to Sam!
And I hope you have a happy birthday MONTH!!!

sarahw said...

Happy Birthday Brooke. It's pathetic that my lil' sis commented before I did.

One thing Sam left out on your list is ....You are great at decorating. Your house is so cute, and you know just how to place the decor to look perfect.
Have a great Birthday week and milk it for as long as possible.

brooke said...

Thanks everyone for your awesome comments and birthday wishes. Thanks especially to Sam for roasting me. A few clarifications: I only clog toilets because I like to use a lot of tp. I didn't complain when Sam pulled into the parking tower at the hospital when I was in labor with Sammie because I couldn't speak because of the pain. I had her minutes after arriving at the hospital. Finally, I'm not as mean as I sound--I just really value customer service and I get ticked off when I don't get it.

Ashley said...

Happy Birthday! This was too funny and 100% true. I would hate to know the hours of our lives we have spent debriefing bad customer service/subpar behavior. I laughed out loud about you sleeping your way across the country. And I can vouch for the sharp nails and hard kicks. Have a great weekend!!! (Nice work Sam.)

sheryl said...

Oh I feel bad it was your b-day and I didn't know!

Happy belated! (I am usually belated for my own kids so don't feel bad. LOL)

Sam certainly gets the brownie points!

DC is my favorite, and I hate what 9-11 did to it! (no more parking next to the sights) My kids loved picnics on the mall...Brooke, that is not a shopping place. LOL...or I LOVE NYC. Why did I move west? hmmm....

Hope you are having tons of fun! Get to see lots of cherry blossoms and eat plenty of fattening foods!

Your blog lightens my day and has been so fun to read. I am glad you feel "close" to your Grandma Poole. (not pronounced pull, pole, or poolEE) :)

I used to feel bummed that I never got to know her or that my kids didn't have a grandma around...my mom was not close either. Now, I really think she sacrificed the loves of her life..(her children) and the earthly time with them to prepare and protect her grandchildren.

I KNOW 3 of my children would be dead without gaurdian angles. (Scott fell asleep in the gorge and litterally totalled his car but walked away. The list would be to long if I even begin to mention the other stories! Oh the places my kids go! She had to have been there so many times when there is no other explanation. I totally believe gaurdian angles are our loved ones. Then again...I could be up in the night.

And I guess ...it must be really late because I am yet again ramblin on... so one more time

Happy Birthday!

Linde said...

It was fun to meet your mom yesterday! You seem very much like her. :)

A friend told me that there is something you can get at Home Depot to fix the sink chip. I'll let you know if it works.

Have fun on your trip this weekend!

shelby said...

Happy Birthday Brooke! Sam is so funny! I loved reading this whole post!

Jaime said...

Shoot! I wanted to be comment no. 32! Good on you Brooke! I have never met you, but feel a kindred bond on so many levels (yes, I just used the word KINDRED as if I am Anne of Green Gables - droppin' like it's hot!. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope it is/was a brilliant day of pure worshipping. Can't wait to see the post on all your birthday loot. Sounds like Sam is a keeper too!

Marni said...

Happy bday Brooke. It is as if I can hear Sam saying it all. BTW Brian now calls me lazy too after our discussion on Sun.lol

Jen said...

Happy Birthday Brooke! I love this post. I had no idea we had that much in common! And since Sam is reading this comment to you tonight...Way to go Sam! I love reading your blog. Thanks to Kim for giving me the addresss!

nic said...

Brooke I hope you had a Happy Birthday. I loved the tribute by Sam. You told me it was going to be good and it was.

Eliza said...

Happy Birthday! Your hubby did a great job. I liked getting to know you more.

Jill said...

This is quite possibly the greatest husband-written post I've ever read!

BH said...

Brooke, did Sam tell you that he got the raise that you put him up to ask for???????