Dear Carson Kressley,

Thank you for being the best star ever on Dancing with the Stars. You had a better attitude than 95% of the stars that go on that show. You were truly hilarious.

The American public are idiots for not voting for you. The show is dead to me now that it is left with the likes of David Arquette, Nancy Grace and Chaz freakin Bono.

And it is all the more unfair that you were sent packing right before Broadway week.

Your friend,

Brooke

Back to the Well

Yes, It's Monday and I'm going back to the Bachelorette well for blog material. I owe it to Em who doesn't have the capability to watch the show but gets it vicariously through my blog posts!

Isn't the Bachelorette the kind of show that is best enjoyed with a bunch of girlfriends and good food and shrieking over all the really lame things that are done/said? In desperation, I forced Sam to watch it with me.

Here is what I'm thinking:

I love Jesse. He's perfect for Jillian and he is real. He doesn't say dumb stuff.

I love Kiptyn. Jillian is really attracted to him and we know he gets a fantasy date in Spain because he's in all the preview clips.

I totally knew Jake wasn't getting a rose. He is the NICEST guy ever and so real. However there was just no chemisty between them. Did you see the last kiss on the train--it was like a grandma kiss. Sometimes Jake makes me cringe because he is such a cheeseball but he has a real job and I wanted to cry for him when he said "Nice guys really do finish last." So lame that the producers are bringing him back. Let the guy have his dignity--that's all he has left. No, they have to bring him back, in his little pilot uniform, to tattle on Wes.

Michael is only still here because she had to let creepy "huge package"--what in the crap was he dropping his drawers for--Tanner go and she really needed to let Jake go before she led him on any longer. My favorite clip of the night was when Michael cried when Robbie got cut. He cried because it was getting "so real!"

Speaking of Robbie, I liked Robbie. He was cute and legit but I'm glad Jillian cut him. He is a bartender for crying out loud. No offense to those in that line of work, but talk about dead-end. I loved it when he said "love doesn't have a job." No it doesn't Robby. Bye bye.

Reid--I know so many of you love Reid. I don't see it. He is quirky, weird and have you noticed their conversations are completely meaningless and stupid. They start kissing just to fill the air. I really dislike Reid. I think shallow when I think Reid.

And Wes. Skeezy. He is so honest about his true intentions that I wonder if the producers have put him on the show just for drama. If Jillian picks him, she deserves him.

Now for the rumors circulating. My blogging friend Kami sent me a message today telling me that Us magazine is reporting that Kiptyn, Reid and Ed were all paid 50 grand to go on the show. If it's true, what a disapointment. Are the producers that stupid? They need to stay out of it. I'm growing tired of their antics--you know Ed is going to come back and now Jake--who's next--freakin' Jason?

If I Were Single and Living in the Greater Illinois Area...

I would be hiring a PI to find Ed right now. I know most of you are thinking I'm crazy--if he couldn't give up the job for Jillian, why would I want someone like that? But I'm impressed that the guy actually 1) has a job, a decent one and 2) takes it seriously. He is a catch and Jillian (to her credit) knew it.

I'm a little embarrassed that I'm posting about the Bachelorette again. But isn't it just such good tv? It's real life people.

And can I just say "Jesse." Yes. He is my new Ed. I overlooked him before and then I saw him getting into the hot tub. Oh my. He is honest, funny and a man's man. My only complaint was that he needed to spit out whatever he was chewing on in the hot tub. He is definately a front runner.


Michael is gone next week. Tanner is soo gone next week. Wes is DISGUSTING and I wince whenever he comes on screen. Please, Please let Jillian see him for who he truly is and let him go.

Mark was nice but way too reserved. I felt bad for the guy. My sister Ashley was right. Pizza entrepreneur probably was code for "works at Little Caesars."

Top three: Kiptyn, Robbie and Jesse. Then to Kiptyn and Jesse. Then Kiptyn--I said it before and I'm stickin' with Kiptyn getting the final rose.

ps. Are the producers eluding to E.D. in the preview of the fantasy suite dates? If so, come on. So tasteless.

I'm Here for the Right Reasons

Are you watching Bachelorette this season? Just admit it--you know you are. My husband is even watching. Here are my random thoughts so far:

1--I'm soooo glad that Scary Larry David didn't get a rose. He was classy right up unti the end when his last words included the F bomb and were bleeped out.

2--That break dance instructor Michael is so buggy. Why is he still here?

3--Tanner and the feet stuff--This guy is so creepy. Can you imagine if he met me and saw my feet? His biggest problem is that he was too cowardly to call out Wes. He looked like he was going to pass out in the rose ceremony. He's not a man.

4--Two hours is way too long for the show. Sam begged me to fast forward my DVR to the rose ceremony and I refused. He had to do his time just like everyone else.

5--Wes is such a con-man. He is totally there for the wrong reasons--to promote his music (which sucks BTW.) I predict Jillian will keep him around until Tanner rats him out next week.

6--My favorite is Ed. I don't know why. I just like him.

7--I think the front-runners are Reid, Kiptyn and Robby. My money is on Kiptyn.

8--I think Jake is the nicest guy on the show--maybe too nice for Jillian.

9--Jillian is abusing the spray-on tan or body make up, maybe both. Tell-tale sign is the tan arms and the white face.

10--If one more person talks about "not being here for the right reasons" I'm turning off the tv. Not really.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Plus the Other Woman

Most of you have seen that US weekly is reporting that Jon of Jon and Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with a 23 year old woman. I know it's true because Us has photos and I believe anything written in People and Us magazines. The Star is another story. Us is always reporting that Kate may be having an affair with her bodyguard.

For those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about (like my husband)--Jon and Kate have a reality show on TLC. They have eight children--8 yr old twins and 4 yr old sextuplets. I don't know why this story makes me sad. I've only seen the show a few times. I prefer not to spend my tv time watching the chaos I already have at home. I prefer high society like this. But I digress. It is the same sadness I felt when I heard Nick and Jessica were breaking up. I guess I'm just so tired of seeing Hollywood couples not make it.

Apparently, Jon was going out with his friends and hitting the clubs while Kate was on tour promoting her new book and the show. It makes no sense to me. What is a married man (with 8 kids!) doing going to clubs? Obviously, he is looking for something. I have to wonder though, if they didn't have a show, if they didn't have the huge house TLC bought them, if they were just Jon and Kate living in rural PA with eight kids, would he have done this? I doubt it. I think there is a mentality in Hollywood (and I use the term "Hollywood" in a generic way because it happens anytime someone gets some fame or notoriety) that when a person becomes famous they began to feel entitled and sexy and awesome. Look at the guy? Should he be out having an affair? I don't know if Kate is having an affair or not but give me a break!

Thoughts? Are you people still going to watch the show? Set the DVR, at least we have this to look forward to:

The 80s Called--They Want Their Vest Back

I can forgive Jason for what he did to Melissa but not for this get-up. What is he wearing? On another note, I saw Jason and Molly on the cover of People magazine tonight on the newstand and I didn't recognize Molly without the eye-liner.

Jason Mesnick is a Mess

Okay so the people have spoken. They want a post about the Bachelor. I don't have anything funny or insightful to say, just some random thoughts. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Jason should never have proposed to Melissa if he felt that terrible about dumping Molly.

2. I think he got back to "real life" without the helicopter rides and dream dates and life got boring with Melissa. I think the producers had a big part in what happened as well.

3. Just like Melissa said, he wasn't willing to work on their relationship because it is easier to run (probably what happened with his ex-wife--pure speculation.)

4. I have a gut feeling he spoke with Molly before the "After the final Rose" segment and made sure she was on board. She faked the surprise well though.

5. Jason is a small man and not that cute. He is no Brad Womack. There is no reason either of those women should be fauning over him.

6. He fake cries a lot.

7. Of course Jason fell in love with two women. I could probably fall in love with 10 hot men given the opportunity (hi Sam!). He was in heat with two women.

8. I don't think Jason and Molly will last. But I'm not a hater.

9. I bet Ty is one confused little kid right now.

10. Moral of the story: You can get away with murder if you "follow your heart."

ps. Jillian is darling. I'm glad she is the next bachelorette. I think women like her more than men do though.

Sammie is Going to be on TV!

No, she's not going on a reality show--though she's got the personality for it. Sammie is going to make her modeling debut tomorrow morning on Good Things Utah (channel 4 at 10:00 am.) My friend is involved in a charity that is auctioning off princess dresses for little girls and she gets to model one of them. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that she will be in a good mood and decide to actually walk out in the dress--with her, you never know what you are going to get. Just know there will be a little bribery involved and some threats if necessary. Sammie has already been bragging to Luke all day that she is going to be on tv. That's my girl.

Update: Sammie did a great job. She totally came through and strutted her stuff. She felt very special because she was the youngest little girl on the show. Luke watched at a friend's house and has been telling Sammie all day she looked "ridiculous"--classic big brother. As her reward, Sammie has chosen to go to Chuck-E-Cheese. Heaven help us. I need a huge diet coke, lots of hand sanitizer and Excedrine!

Surrendering to Spongebob

I used to not allow my kids to watch Spongebob Squarepants on tv. To be honest, I had never actually seen an episode, nor had I ever heard it was bad. Frankly, I just thought the character was ugly and obnoxious and I outlawed it.

Maybe it was the fact that I said it was forbidden, but somehow, someway, the kids started watching little bits of it, then whole episodes and now it is ALL they watch. They are obsessed.

Now the confession: I stated watching it a little here and there and I think it is pretty funny. There, I said it.

Now the scary part: We were at Target yesterday and Sammie talked me into a Spongebob soap dispenser for their bathroom. I bought it and instantly the bathroom went from cute to completely ghetto.

They also eat on Spongebob plates, color in Spongebob coloring books and pick Spongebob stickers at the doctor's office.

Here is where the whole thing comes back to bite me: Sammie has a birthday coming up in a couple months. We were at Harmon's today and my kids started flipping through the cake book. My darling 3 year old who loves everything girly and pink declared she wants a Spongebob birthday party. I flat out refused and she went nuts. Now I have the next two months to somehow finesse this. I can't have it. I feel like I've created this monster. What do I do?

A Little Advice for the Ladies

I've been watching The Bachelor since the show started. I missed the season when the older guy with the long hair ended up choosing the hispanic girl that Bob Guinney cut. I think those two are still together. I also missed the Andrew Firestone season. Other than that--I've seen 'em all. I know I shouldn't be bragging about this. It's just a fact.

I've embarrassed myself at more than one of Sam's work parties when I become too animated discussing the show. In case you are wondering, my two favorite bachelors were Andy Baldwin (an officer and a gentlemen!) and prince Lorenzo. Don't be a hater. I just thought he was cute.

Where were we? Oh yeah, so after watching so many episodes, I have some advice for the ladies. Sam always says the show does nothing to advance the cause of women. It's because they make fools of themselves. So here are some words of wisdom to help them out.

1. Don't get drunk. I know the alcohol is free and flowing--remember, you are there to find true love. Don't get wasted.

2. Don't do party tricks on the first night. Remember last season when that one girl ripped open a beer can with her teeth? Then that other one did a back handspring in her dress. Still another pulled the bachelor aside and sang him a song in her best opera voice. None of this is getting you anywhere. We are all cringing at home. Stop.

3. Never, under any circumstances, remove your panties and give them to the bachelor.

4. Don't be catty--at least have the good sense not to slander another girl on camera--it is unbecoming.

5. Leave with dignity. Don't cry, don't swear, don't go crazy. Don't say how it was meant to be. Don't talk about the wedding you had all planned out for you and Jason. Just go quietly into the night.

Now that we have that all cleared up, one of my favorite bloggers Mandee did a post about The Bachelor. Her husband thinks this season is going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet when Jason chooses the host Chris Harrison. I'll be watching!

Dirty Dancing

Did anyone else find Dancing with the Stars completely disturbing tonight? No, it wasn't Samantha Harris' dress--though, that was bad enough. I'm talking about the TWO sibling dances.

First, Lacey Schwimmer and her brother Benjie did a country dance number to "I want to check you for ticks" with Brad Paisely singing live. I love the idea, the costumes, the dance--but I couldn't shake the heeby-jeeby feeling I had about them being BROTHER and SISTER.

Then, out comes Julianne and Derek Hough dancing to "Great Balls of Fire." They are gyrating and blowing air kisses at each other. I couldn't take it. The absolute worst was when Julianne carried Derek (yes, you read that right!) on her shoulders across the floor. I struggle with Derek anyway because his hips move just a little too well, if you know what I mean. Why, oh why can't they pair these people up with non family?

Maybe my discomfort stems from when my little sister Ashley was little Red Riding Hood in a ballet production and my big brother Rex was the Big Bad Wolf. Let's get one thing straight. Rex has no dancing ability, none. He basically wore a big costume and stomped across the stage over and over as she danced around him. But it still scarred me.

For the love, DWTS producers--no more incestuous dancing. Oh, and bring back that guy that danced with Marie Osmond. He looks just like my husband. I'm not kidding!