Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap of Faith



This blog is dying a slow death. But since today is February 29th (leap day!) it made me think about my gigantic leap of faith. I don't want this blog to be a divorce blog but I hope you will indulge me one more time.

When my marriage hit the rocks 18 months ago, I didn't want to give up. Divorce was never in my plans and never even seemed like an option to me. I thought Sam and I would be together forever, literally. But things change and I have learned that we are only in control of our own life, as much as we would like to control other people. As time went on, I began to realize that things were not getting better.

Sam and I were going to marriage counseling every week but somehow, in the very deep part of my heart, I knew this marriage wasn't going to work. And it killed me. I couldn't even look at my kids without crying because I knew how it was going to blow their world apart. As a mother, you want to do everything in your power to protect your kids from sadness, disappointment, and heartache. So, it was heartbreaking for me to know that I was going to be the one causing that for them...or if not causing it, I was not going to be able to protect them from it.



Fast Forward a bit to somewhere last fall. Sam had moved out and I was doing my best to be a good mom, keep up with my church callings, my friends, my workouts, the laundry and everything else. I remember climbing into bed one night and feeling defeated. I honestly just couldn't see how my life was ever going to be good again. I knew, at a minimum, it was never going to be the same. I remember saying out loud "I feel hopeless." I picked up my scriptures and opened to where my bookmark was in Moroni, chapter 7. I was at the end of the Book of Mormon and I came across this verse:

"And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that you can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold, I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."

Moroni 7:40-42.

To me, this was an undeniable miracle. Here was the Lord telling me to have hope in the very moment I needed to hear it. If I claimed to have faith, how could I not have hope? Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the Atonement gives us ultimate hope. I fell asleep feeling peaceful and hopeful for my future.



Not long after that, I knew that it was time to get divorced. Divorce is not a decision that anyone makes lightly. But one day, I just knew. I knew I didn't want to wake up every day wondering if my marriage was bad enough to do something about. I knew divorce was the right decision for me and Sam and our children. But I was scared..terrified really. Here I was, 34 years old, and I had never paid a bill, never done our finances, never shoveled the walk. I have a law degree but I haven't worked in 8 years. I was worried about how I was going to make it financially. I was also terrified to be ultimately alone in the world. When you are married, you are a team; you win together and you lose together. And from now on, it would just be me. Not to mention, I was worried about being responsible for four kids who needed me for spiritual guidance and to be the leader in our home. It was, and is, an awesome responsibility.

But that is where faith comes in. I have been promised that there are brighter days ahead in my future. I know the Lord has big plans for me. I know he will take care of me and my kids and make up the difference where I fall short. I knew I had to take a leap of faith into the dark but there is light on the other side. That's not to say I don't have bad days. And to be completely honest, I have moments where I miss Sam. I miss the life we had. But you know what? Things are good. I am happy. My kids are happy. I am hopeful. Life goes on. Divorce is an end to a marriage but it doesn't have to be "the end." For me, it feels like a new beginning to the rest of my life. So it is appropriate that 2012 is Leap Year...It is my year!

28 comments:

Natalie Wright said...

Oh man, I adore you. You are so incredible my friend. I love love love you. On a side note, if you don't post about dating soon I am going to set you up with my creepy sleazy cousin, just so you have some good blog material. Where are the dating posts???

Jill T said...

Good post Brooke! I'm excited to see what your future holds!

sarahw said...

You have a great outlook on this all, and you will be so blessed. Leap year will be a good year for you.

BTW... You look so skinny and cute in those picks. Would love to know your tricks.

lindsey said...

You are amazing. And gorgeous. Keep the faith!

Lesa said...

Great post--loved it. You are so honest and real. Thank you.

Kristen said...

Please don't stop blogging. Your blog is one of my favorites and I would really miss it. Great post!

Life is Good said...

Please don't stop blogging or think we are tired of hearing about the divorce. I think it's really refreshing how open and honest you are about your life. And although I know nothing except what you've shared about your divorce, it actually reminds me A LOT of my parents' divorce. Reading your side of it has helped me better understand what my mom went through years ago. So thank you for sharing your story, and I'm excited for all the great things that I'm sure are coming your way.

Liz said...

Yes...you are never to stop blogging (and not just cause I won the swimsuit). Good for you. I have to tell you how in awe I was with you today at the program. You and Sam are terrific parents and that will always be true. I am so amazed at your maturity to see the big picture. Plus you look like a model. I had one really dumb thing happen to me earlier today and I let it ruin my whole day. You are not like that. You are brave and wonderful and positive. Keep it up.

Linda said...

Once again, well spoken (or stated)Brooke. You have been amazing thoughout this ordeal. And I've seen you "up close and personal." I'm so proud of you.

Lanea Sampson said...

Beautifullly said, Brookie. One thing to remember-if we say we have faith we need to BELIEVE CHRIST, NOT JUST BELIEVE IN CHRIST. ps-cutest kids in the world. I'm jealous that Linda gets to have such cute grandkids and I don't have ANY!!!

Ashley said...

Ditto, ditto. I tried for months and months to discover a solution for you that was not divorce--something that would be healthy and happy for everyone. I couldn't ever find it. You did what you had to do. I was just thinking today that, even though I was heart-wrenched that this happened to YOU, that you are handling it better than anyone else would. A lot of people would see it as the end for them, turn their faces to the wall and die. You have taken in the reality of the situation, taken control of the things you could, and been gracious about the things you couldn't. There is happiness ahead but I daresay you are happy now.

Ashley said...

And yes Buster is the cutest baby in the world. That little man--ADORABLE!!!

Greg said...

Brooke, thanks for leaving such an inspirational post on Leap Day. I really appreciate your optimism! :)

Greg said...

and admire it as well. If you can be optimistic, I think anyone can!

Elizabeth said...

You honestly rock! I feel terrified at the thought of having to be the grown up of the family sometimes and so I really cant imagine how awful and scary the last 18months must have been for you. I bet you found reserves and strengths you never imagined you had. I'm glad you have God to lean on and to shine the light.
Big hugs to you and here's to 2012 its your year Babe!
Ex

Linde said...

What a great post Brooke! So beautifully written about a very difficult thing. Brought me to tears! Keep going--you are doing great!!

Kimmie said...

As I've told you a million times over....YOU ARE AWESOME! Just amazing and such a great example to me! You deserve a bright, happy future and I feel it is coming!! Sure love ya my friend.

melissa walker said...

I agree with everyone else--don't stop blogging! You are a great example to me. I often forget to pull out my scriptures when I am feeling down and this scripture is such a great message and one that I needed to remember too!

gwen said...

What an inspiring post! I love you, Brookie!

Natalie said...

It IS your year! You are amazing :)

Molly said...

I would guess that every one of you readers cares about YOU and what's going on in your life, meaning divorce posts are more meaningful to them than swimsuit giveaways or fashion posts. Don't feel the need to hide the real stuff in an attempt to be entertaining. Your readers love both sides of you.

Jaime said...

Wow Brooke! I don't even know what to say- you have left me speechless. You are an incredibly inspirational person. I am a better person because you are my friend. Thank you! I am so glad I still get to hang out with you every month. Call me if you are ever dateless on a Saturday night and want to go to lunch/dinner and a chick flick.

alexandra said...

It is a rare gift of strength to be able to size up a situation and do a very hard thing, but do it with faith and a determination to see it through to a better place in your life. It would have been easy to just give up and live in misery either in a marriage or outside of it, but you are steering yourself to something better, even though it meant that you had to steer through some dark times. This may reveal once again how intertwined I am with my internet friends, but I think of you every time Brigham is either out of town or gets home after I will have fallen asleep and I realize how exhausting it must often be for you to have to run a household without a partner. (I even feel afraid at night!). You are such a strong person and a wonderful example to the rest of us about staying close to the Lord in difficult times (that is when I just turn on the tv and tune out of my life). I hope you don't feel like you shouldnt write about your life, and I hope you don't stop blogging regularly! What will I do with my evenings if you havent written anything?!

Sarah said...

You are amazing! I love all your posts. You do keep it real and I am glad to say that you are my friend. You are a great example of living a beautiful life no matter what the circumstances.

The DeVito's said...

I'm so glad you posted this! I've been thinking about you a lot recently. 2012 is going to be an amazing year!

Em said...

I was just going to shoot you a quick email wishing you well, but I see that you are. This is very beautifully written. The Book of Mormon is such a miracle. I'm so happy it produced one for you and that you had the wisdom to turn to it in your hour of need.

Along with the others, I hope you keep writing.

D-dawg said...

Wow I'm glad you got so many comments on this. You must know these posts are good for everyone. Thanks for sharing.

The Mostess said...

Leap away! Good things await. At the very least, they will be better than that cake you made.

I would pay $7 to have you go out with Natalie's sleazy cousin. Another $7 for the full report.

It's your year!