Four Things Summer Edition

Alpine Rodeo

I much prefer Instagram to blogging these days.  But in case you don't follow me there, here is a little catch up on what we have been doing this summer:

Luke:

1.  Luke did two basketball camps--one at BYU and one at Skyline High School.  He loved both of them.

2.  Luke and Sammie have both been taking tennis lessons.  I am living vicariously through them.  I am dying to take lessons--just so I can wear the cute skirts.

3.  Luke turned 10 this summer and let his little brother blow out his candles.  That's the kind of kid he is.

4.  The big news is that Luke started tackle football for Alta.  We said no for the last two years and he finally wore us down to the point that we said yes.  He absolutely loves it.

Sammie:

1.  Sammie spends 90% of her time tumbling on the front lawn.  She taught herself an aerial and almost has a back hand spring.  It scares me to death.

2.  She started dancing at a new studio and spent a considerable amount of time dancing this summer.  She also did a cheer camp at BYU.

3.  Sammie went on a trip to NYC with Sam for five days.  She saw three shows and toured the city.  At the airport, she turned and barfed all over Sam's shoes and then exclaimed, "phew!  I was so worried I was going to get it on my clothes!"

4.  Sammie loves little kids.  She comes to the gym with me each morning so she can go to the daycare and play with the toddlers.  They adore her.  Too bad she wants nothing to do with her own little brothers.

Ryan:

1.  Ryan spends all of his time outside roaming the neighborhood on his bike.  Luckily, we have fantastic neighbors who basically let him live at their homes. 

2.  Ryan took swimming lessons again this summer.

3.  He also played on a t-ball team with his buddies.  He was the biggest and slowest kid on the team.  And just like with soccer, he thought he was awesome.

4.  Ryan, Luke, Sammie and Mitch all went on a vacation with Sam for five days to Snow Mass, CO.  They had a blast swimming and going on bike rides.

Buster:

1.  The big news is that Buster is potty training.  We are half way there and it has about pushed me over the edge.  After ten years straight of diapers, I am ready for this kid to be trained!

At Walmart in no pants.  When in Rome...

2.  We thought he broke his arm last week on my sister's trampoline.  After one horrendous trip to the ER, and a week of wearing a cast for no reason, we found out he is totally fine.

3.  Buster's favorite thing to do is go swimming. We did Seven Peaks, Cottonwood Spa, Alta Canyon and the gym pool.  He mostly enjoys puttering around the pool deck or sitting in a lounge chair eating treats.

4.  He loves going anywhere with the big kids. 

 

Churros at the Real Game

Me:

1.  The big anticlimactic news is that I got a job.  I am working very very part time for the Utah Senate.  I won't bore you with the details but I can do it from home and so far it hasn't been too much of a thorn in my side. 

2.  Still dating on and off.  Summer is so busy that I try to slow down the dating a bit and focus on the kids.  I do like dating in the Summer because you can get outside and do things like bike rides and hikes. 

Look at that view!

3.  My vacation was when my kids went to Colorado with their dad.  I managed to get Mitchell's baby book finished which was my only goal for that week.  I am still trying to lose the five pounds I gained eating out with friends for every meal.

My friend Kari and I at City Creek before we gorged ourselves at Cheesecake Factory

4.  I did a lot more biking this summer. I have some kind male friends who take me since I have a hard time finding girls to go on rides with.  There is a great new trail from Alpine to Provo Canyon.

The end.  I will do my annual Best of Summer post next week.  I am not ready for Summer to end!

Dating: Knowing What I Want and Finding It

I think one of the greatest things about dating later in life is that I have figured out what I really want.  I have figured out what I need too, which is more important.  When Sam and I were doing marriage counseling, we read a book called The Five Love Languages.  While I found the book a bit cheesy at times, I think the underlying message that we all feel loved in different ways was brilliant.   The key is to identify which way your partner feels loved and show them love in that way. 

My love language is Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.  Knowing that about myself now, I know I need to find a man who can compliment me and express his love to me verbally.  I also need physical touch.  I like a man who will put his arm around me or hold my hand in addition to the bedroom stuff.  These things make me feel loved and adored. 

Remember when you were a Mia Maid and you made a list of all the qualities you wanted in a future husband?  You wrote stuff like "RM, handsome, tall?"  Well, those are all still on my list but that is the jumping off point.  My list has gotten a whole lot longer.  Making the list was easy--finding a man with all of these characteristics is the hard part.  Here are some of the things that I have realized are important to me now:

1.  A man who is kind--first and foremost.  And I want a man who is kind to others, not just me.

2.  A man who values education and preferably has an advanced degree.  I want a man who has a career (not just a job), is passionate about his work and takes it seriously.

3.  A man who loves his family and respects his mother.

4.  A man who is a devoted and loving father.

5.  A man who has a strong testimony of the gospel, holds a calling and takes his Priesthood responsibilities seriously.

6.  A man who is funny.  I am a sucker for guys who make me laugh.  Seinfeld is usually my litmus test.  If a man loves Seinfeld and quotes it..we will probably hit it off.  If he loves Colbert, that is gravy.

7.  A man who is fit and active.  I used to think this didn't matter to me but it does.

8.  A man who can be a man.  I love an alpha-male.  I think it is because right now--I have to make all the decisions and be the head of my household.  I want a man who takes charge, makes reservations and solves problems.  I like a man who opens doors, makes the first move and isn't afraid to show me he is interested in me.

9.  A man who is honest, classy and speaks kindly of his ex-wife.  This speaks volumes about the guy.

10.  Okay, okay, tall is always a bonus for me.  I am 5'9--I love a tall man.  And of course, we have to have chemistry--chemistry is more important than looks.

The older I get, the more I realize what matters in a spouse.  I refuse to settle. When I was going through a hard time at the end of my marriage, I would turn the radio on and this song by Sugarland always seemed to be playing. I still hear it and it reminds me that I am not settling this time around for anything less than everything:

"I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

Online Dating 101

I have a love hate relationship with online dating.  Here is the thing:  It has come a long way.  My parents are still down on it and encourage me to meet people the "normal way."  Unfortunately, there is no normal way anymore.  But in my parents' defense, their idea of online dating is stuff they have seen on 20/20 about chat rooms and 50 year old dudes trying to seduce 15 year old girls.  I think the stigma of being online is gone.  Really, it is just "online meeting." 

I have had several friends who have met and married someone they met on a dating site.  I think these sites work because it is the quickest, easiest way to meet other people who are single and looking to date.  I love being set up but it doesn't happen all the time.  So if you just want to date a lot and meet people quickly--go online.

Here is my advice for the ladies about online dating.  You men are on your own--just kidding.  You know I can't wait to write my advice post for the menfolk.

1. Accept that there are no rules.  Quit thinking that men will be honorable or abide by the societal norms of  real life interaction.  You can be messaging with a guy for weeks and he can disappear overnight.  Poof.  You will never hear from him again.  Some guys will message and immediately ask you out.  Others will want to message for months.  (My least favorite thing in the world!  Who needs a pen pal?!)  Everyone has their own way of online dating.

2.  Understand that most guys exaggerate in their profiles.  On the LDS sites, people have to say how active in the church they are, etc.  If they say they go to church "Always" that means most of the time.  If they say "Sometimes" that means they never go.  I have learned not to put too much stock in anything people put in their profile.  They probably wrote it years ago.  A lot can change.

3.  If a dude lies anywhere on his profile or is cagey or doesn't answer questions, bail now.  I love it when guys put their age as 42 then later in their profile they will admit to being 51 but everyone tells them they look a lot younger.  Riiiiight.  If they are willing to lie to you about something as insignificant as their age on a dating website, imagine what they will lie to you about down the road.

4.  Avoid the guys who write "just ask" instead of answering questions.  If they can't sum up what they do for work in single sentence, I don't need to go any further.  No long explanation needed.

5.  If a guy tells you he is funny, he's not.  If he is funny, he will show you he is funny in his profile.

6.  Always meet at the restaurant for the first date.  Never have the guy pick you up at your house. Two reasons for this. A. You don't want to be murdered. and B. if he is a dud, you can make a quick get-away without an awkward doorstep scene.

7.  Don't give out your cell number until you have messaged with someone on the site for a bit. That way, if you can see that the guy isn't funny, or is looking for a hook-up, or admits to having an affair or some other deal breaker--it is easier to unload him without him having access to you in real life via your phone.

8.  Never, never, never send a "sexy" or inappropriate photo of yourself to anyone.  I am a lawyer so I am very mindful of leaving evidence.  This applies to dating in general..not just online dating.  If a dude asks for a racy/sexy pic.  Drop him quick!

9.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  Don't even message with someone who doesn't have a picture (there is probably a reason there is no pic and it is never good).  If you are a girl, you should include at least one full body shot otherwise (I am told) men assume you are out of shape if all you have are face shots.  For men it is the opposite problem.  Men are often guilty of posting pics of themselves doing extreme sports or they will have a picture with five other people and you have to squint to see which one they are.

10. Don't try to be something you're not.  It will come back to bite you.  I get tired of everyone pretending to be so outdoorsy in their profiles.  We all love to be outside but 99% of the time we are all just doing normal stuff..going to work, driving kids around, going out to eat and to a movie.  In my profile I said "I am not outdoorsy unless shopping at City Creek is outdoorsy."  I like hiking and skiing, etc but I am definitely not a nature girl and don't want to have to live up to that if some dude wants to go camping every weekend.  I read one guy's profile that was so refreshing.  He described himself as the "indoorsy type."  He loves air conditioning, good tv and fine dining--so honest!

11.  Spend some time on your profile.  It will pay off in the end.  Try to show your personality and what makes you fun and unique.  Try to put some things in there that guys can ask you about or comment on when they message you. 

12.  Don't put pictures of your kids on your profile, don't say how many kids you have or their ages, and remember that there are some scary Larry's out there looking to prey on single moms.

13.  Do your homework.  I always always find someone in common who knows the guy and can vouch for him.  It is a small dating world out there, especially in Utah.  I haven't found a single guy yet who I couldn't get the scoop on . 

14.  Finally, be proactive.  I usually let the guys message me first but I have had my best luck when I found a guy I thought looked promising and sent him a message.  Guys love that.  But then I let them take it from there.  They have to ask me out and be the man from that point on!

That's it!  I could talk all night about this.  I love asking guys I go out with about their experience with meeting girls online.  So funny to hear about it from the other side.

Dating the Second Time Around

I am FINALLY giving you the dating posts I have been promising.  As much as I would love to give you hilarious dating stories, I am not going to do that.  I am saving those for my book.  Dating is hard when you're 20.  It is 10x harder when you are divorced, in your mid thirties, with four kids. 

I am going to need do this as a three-part series.  This post is about dating generally.  The second part is going to be about online dating.  The third part is going to be about knowing what you want and finding it.  And I may do a bonus post for the guys with a few hints and tips.  All of this is the world according to Brooke.  Which let's be honest--might as well be gospel truth right?!  But I do put the disclaimer out there that I only speak for myself.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get back "out there."  It felt really good to have men interested in me, to go on nice dates and get complimented.  I was surprised that men didn't seem to care that I have four kids (which I thought was going to be the kiss of death for me.)  What I didn't plan for was the heartache involved. I thought getting divorced was hard emotionally. While it is true that nothing will ever touch losing your marriage--I think the emotional roller coaster of dating is almost as bad.

My belief is that if after the first date, I can't see myself potentially marrying that person down the road, I need to say no to a second date.  At this age, most people are dating to find someone to marry.  No one is out there just to play games and have fun. Gone are the days of just going on a date for the free meal--sooooo not worth my time and energy!   When I get asked out for a second date and I am not interested, I say "Thank you so much for lunch/dinner.  I had a great time talking to you.  I just did not feel a romantic connection.  Good luck to you!"  Done.  The reverse also happens.  I have had guys who don't want to go on a second date with me.  But it is worse, because as women, we don't get told straight up that the guy isn't interested.  We are just left waiting for a call or text that never comes.

 

The same is true in relationships.  As soon as you know it isn't going to work--it is time to hit the belly release and give a good strong arch.  Cole and I broke up recently and that has been very hard.  We both knew that there were reasons it was probably not going to work for us to get married so we opted to say good-bye now.   It has been hard for both of us.  Break-ups suck.  And they don't suck any less as a grown adult.  In fact, they suck worse, especially if that person has met your children, your parents, your friends, gone to church with you, become part of your life.

The upside to dating the second time around is that you can see how someone is going to turn out.  When you are 20, you can see potential in people but you don't know the choices they will make down the road.   At this point, I can see how active someone is in the church (super important to me), how committed they are to their children (also important), if they have a career they are passionate about and make enough to provide (important.)  You can also see where they failed in their previous relationships/marriage.  I am honest with my dates about where my weaknesses are.  I have found that most men are honest with me as well.  It is good to know going in where we are going to struggle and if each others' weaknesses are going to be a deal breaker.

I also firmly believe that when I do find the right man and we get married, we will not take each other for granted.  We will appreciate the good things about our new marriage that we didn't have in our previous marriages. 

Dating has changed a lot since I was in my early 20s.  Texting, Facebook and email have totally changed the way the game is played. I tell my single friends who are getting divorced that it is time to spruce up their Facebook page. You have to market yourself.  Even if you are not a big facebooker, it is the first place a guy is going to go to check you out and see if he is interested.

Tomorrow, I will do a post on online dating.  It is it's own animal!  I've got some tips for my friends who are recently divorced and want to go online!

Spring "Break"

My friend Amy Vranes recently posted on facebook that Spring Break isn't much of a break for moms.  Good point Vranes.  I always start out with grand plans and end up beaten down and worn out by the end of the week.

Here are some of the highlights:

I went to lunch with a lady I met on LDS Linkup a year ago.  I know.  Most people don't get on dating sites and end up making friends with other women but that is what happened.  Marika is really funny and she is actually getting married to a guy she met on the site.  Woohoo!
 

Are you ready for this--I took Luke and Sammie horseback riding.  HORSEBACK RIDING PEOPLE!  That should entitle me to a full day of reading US magazine in bed I say:

 

 

I bought the deal for four people on Groupon so we also took one of Luke's friends.  We had lunch up there.  It was a lot of fun:

I went to dinner with my high school girlfriends.  Look at Natalie's gorgeous kitchen!



All of my kids got haircuts which made me feel like a good mom.  I am known for having shagamuffin kids.  Ryan got the worst Dumb and Dumber Lloyd Christmas haircut:

Now I have to put product in his hair until it grows out:

 

We went to the zoo and surprisingly it wasn't a madhouse (Buster pre-hair cut):

My kids have been playing outside (hooray for fantastic weather!)

Sammie celebrated a birthday!

Easter bunny came and brought my kids stuff I would have bought them anyway for summer:

Finally, we celebrated Easter at my Mom's house.  She did the annual Easter egg hunt for the kids and we all ate too much:

Now the long slow march until Summer!

The People Have Spoken

You want me back! I'm flattered. I didn't even realize how long I had been gone. Life has been crazy...like really crazy..like Christmas crazy on 'roids times five. I haven't even been watching the Bachelor..that is how crazy my life has been. I miss the Bachelor. Should I be watching?

My divorce became final while I was on my girls' trip with my mom and Sammie. It was bittersweet news. I cried but I also felt relieved. The next chapter of my life can begin. The big announcement is I have started dating. And it has taken over my life. This really is a post for another day because there has been some hilarious stuff and sad stuff and dating is a completely different animal the second time around..especially in your thirties with kids, and all the technology (think texting, messaging, facebook). It takes a lot of emotional energy and time but it is a lot of fun. That post is coming. Get excited!

But mostly, I am just trying to be a good mom, dragging my trash to the gym, dealing with divorce odds and ends like getting the utilities changed over to my name (just little pain in the butt stuff), making time for friends and family, churchy stuff, and making dinner here and there (Thank Heavens for fast food!)

But I haven't given up on the blog (or your blogs!) I need to get back in. I am always writing blog posts in my head but never get around to doing them..like am I the only one who is completely sad about Heidi Klum and Seal?



I have always wondered how they ended up together but they seemed totally real and in love. I always take celebrity divorces hard. I should learn..but I never do...I am still trying to come to terms with Nick and Jessica!

So don't give up on me! I have some really fun stuff coming down the pike. My friend's dad owns all the Corner Bakery's in SLC and I am going to be doing a really cool giveaway for him! And I have another give-away in the works...maybe something I have done in the past...we'll see. Check back soon!