The People Have Spoken

You want me back! I'm flattered. I didn't even realize how long I had been gone. Life has been crazy...like really crazy..like Christmas crazy on 'roids times five. I haven't even been watching the Bachelor..that is how crazy my life has been. I miss the Bachelor. Should I be watching?

My divorce became final while I was on my girls' trip with my mom and Sammie. It was bittersweet news. I cried but I also felt relieved. The next chapter of my life can begin. The big announcement is I have started dating. And it has taken over my life. This really is a post for another day because there has been some hilarious stuff and sad stuff and dating is a completely different animal the second time around..especially in your thirties with kids, and all the technology (think texting, messaging, facebook). It takes a lot of emotional energy and time but it is a lot of fun. That post is coming. Get excited!

But mostly, I am just trying to be a good mom, dragging my trash to the gym, dealing with divorce odds and ends like getting the utilities changed over to my name (just little pain in the butt stuff), making time for friends and family, churchy stuff, and making dinner here and there (Thank Heavens for fast food!)

But I haven't given up on the blog (or your blogs!) I need to get back in. I am always writing blog posts in my head but never get around to doing them..like am I the only one who is completely sad about Heidi Klum and Seal?



I have always wondered how they ended up together but they seemed totally real and in love. I always take celebrity divorces hard. I should learn..but I never do...I am still trying to come to terms with Nick and Jessica!

So don't give up on me! I have some really fun stuff coming down the pike. My friend's dad owns all the Corner Bakery's in SLC and I am going to be doing a really cool giveaway for him! And I have another give-away in the works...maybe something I have done in the past...we'll see. Check back soon!

The Dance

Right after the holidays, I was having some bad days, more specifically, some bad nights. For me, the grief of my divorce hits me after my kids are in bed, when the house is quiet and I have time to think. The mornings are hard too, right when I wake up and I remember that this is my life, and I am really getting divorced, and it wasn't all a bad dream. Sam and I have been separated for over five months so I am used to being alone. I think I have come to terms with my current situation. What is hard for me, is how to deal with the past.



Divorce is hard on so many levels. I could never possibly explain to someone who has not been through it, all the ways it hurts. And it hurts in a different way than it would hurt if your spouse died. I mentioned in my earlier post about my divorce that I don't know what to do with my memories. I got married at 21 and have been married my entire adult life. Every memory I have from adulthood includes Sam. We went through law school together, worked in Washington D.C. together. We got our first jobs, bought our first home and took vacations and trips together. We had four kids together. We experienced all of the excitement and hard times that goes along with that, together.



And I don't know what to do with those memories now that our marriage is over. It makes me feel like a part of me is gone. I am crying even as I type this because no one else will ever really know me the way Sam did. He has seen me at my very best and my very worst. He knows me so intimately and knows all the funny stories of my past. He was the witness to my life, so to speak. I worry that whoever I end up in the future, will only be getting a part of me..the current me. My history will be boxed up in photo albums and old blog posts. My future husband will never know the whole me.



I talked to my counselor about these feelings and for the first time since I started seeing her, she really didn't have any answers for me. She simply said, "that is one more thing to mourn."



But tonight, as I was doing dishes and listening to my ipod, Garth Brook's "The Dance" came on. As I was listening to the words, it made me realize that I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end with Sam. I'm grateful for the 13 amazing years we spent together. I'm happy that I was able to have a best friend and lover in my life and even though the time has come that we have to go our separate ways, I am grateful we had "the dance." I don't regret marrying Sam. We had something special. And it's okay to be sad that it's over.



As for the memories, I don't know. Hopefully, with time, I will make sense of all of it. That part of my life still made me who I am today. So even if the past is tainted a bit by my present situation, it isn't gone.



"Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. Video here:

http://www.veoh.com/watch/v18764241fqS6FyPC

New Year, New Life

Without a doubt this last year and a half has been the hardest time of my life. I don't know how to lead up to what I am about to say so I will just say it. My marriage is ending. Sam and I are getting divorced. I know that for many of you, this will come as a total shock. It still seems surreal to me on so many levels. I never ever thought I would be someone who would get divorced...that is something that happens to other people. I even remember assuring my children a couple years ago when they asked what divorce was, that Sam and I would never get divorced. Never say never.



I will not be sharing the details of why we are getting divorced here out of respect to Sam and our children. But I will say that I will always love Sam and I truly believe we will always be friends. He is a fantastic father and his children mean the world to him. I am proud of the life we had and the children that we are raising together. And speaking of our kids, by far and a way, the hardest part of divorce is trying to explain to our children why dad is moving out when they have never seen us fight or even argue. My children are heartbroken but are doing amazingly well for the most part.



I have learned so much through this trial in my life. It is so cliche to say but it is true that our trials refine us. This experience has changed me into a stronger, more compassionate, deeper person..the person Heavenly Father wanted and needed me to be. I am convinced that while Heavenly Father didn't want this for our family, he knew that this was the only way for me to grow in that way. My testimony is stronger, I have more confidence in myself and my abilities and quite frankly, I have seen miracles this year with my children and in my home. I know my Savior Jesus Christ on a more intimate level and His Atonement means so much more to me now.

I also have grown so close to my family and I can honestly say I would not have survived this last year and a half without their unwavering support and love. I am so lucky to have them. Ashley has given me hundreds of hours of free therapy. Sam's family is wonderful too and have been very supportive of both of us as well. I also have the most incredible friends. People who love me even when I am not funny or even all that fun to be around.



I know the path ahead is not going to be easy. I still have some really dark days. I was doing really well for a long time and some days now I feel like I am right back to where I started. My therapist tells me grief is cyclical and I am mourning the death of my marriage and the life I thought I was going to have. Sometimes, I think I am doing fine and then something completely small and insignificant will put me over the top. It is especially hard for me to look at old photographs and videos of our family. I don't know what to do with my memories of the last 13 years. I had such a happy marriage. And while I am grateful for that, it also makes this whole thing harder in a lot of ways.



The great news for me is that I get to stay in our home and I don't have to go back to work. It is a priority for Sam to have me stay home with our kids and he wants to keep providing for us and wants our lives to stay the same. He is a good person and I am so grateful that we get along and still do things together with our children. We spent a lot of time together over the holidays and I am happy that he will still be in my life.

I remember telling a friend that I was getting divorced a couple months ago. She looked at me and said "What are you going to DO?" and repeated it several times completely frantic. I just looked at her and said "Probably get up tomorrow morning, get my kids breakfast, put my shoes on, take them to school, go to the gym...." Life goes on. The point is to not let this break me. I can go to bed and be sad for months or I can just pick up the pieces and keep going forward. I know there are good things to come...brighter days ahead. I know that. And I am excited to see what this new year will hold for me and my kids.