Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Lazy Mom's Guide to the Universe

With Mother's Day fast approaching, (cough cough, Sam!) I would like to give a shout-out to the lazy mom's everywhere. If you aren't a lazy mom, let me give you some pointers to make life a little easier.

To begin with, forget about the earth! Disposable diapers are the only option. Nothing is worth washing poop out of diapers multiple times a day, especially when you have a three year old who should be potty trained.

While we are at it, don't even think about making your own baby food. Gerber does a dang good job.

Next, two words--Hot Lunch! Just teach your kids early that they are taking it every day. They will learn to love it or leave it!

Make sure your kids know that if they are eating something warm, it is a "real dinner." Luke used to complain that macaroni and cheese or grilled cheese sandwiches wasn't a "real dinner." If mom heats something up in the microwave, that is cooking!

Remember when you had your first baby and people told you to sleep when the baby sleeps? That is true regardless of how many other kids you have running around. When I had Buster last year, I still took naps when he napped and my other three could fend for themselves. Please don't call DCFS.

Getting "ready" every day is for the birds. If you don't have awesome plans for the evening, don't bother to put on make-up. In fact, just stay in your uni the whole day. That way when night comes, you are already ready for bed! The husband loves this one!

Laundry is on a desperate need basis. Only do a load if one of your kids has been out of underwear for several days or is wearing the same pair of uniform pants since Monday and it is Thursday.

Finally, institute a practice I like to call the "big dog rub-off." Lie down on the sofa and have a child rub each foot. Tell them they are in a contest to see who does the best job. Give them lotion and let them go to town. Make comments like "Sammie is winning"... or "Luke, that feels great!" to keep it competitive. At the end, make sure it is a tie and they have to compete again!

Now go put your feet up. That kitchen will get cleaned soon enough!


Elizabeth said...

Amen girlfriend! I love all your lazy girl tips (although you NEVER look like a lazy girl even in the uni). Back in the day I put a cloth nappy OVER Lulu's disposal when I went to visit a particularly militant home birth group I was giving a talk too.

Now on to me:
My stupid blog is still private which I hate but it seems to keep the stalkers at bay ;-)
If ANYONE wants to come and read about my beige house or opinions on the royal wedding just drop me a line at bearlulubrooks@yahoo.com.au - I will hook you up with a invite.
Sorry Brooke for using your comments section to pimp my blog. For Shame.

brooke said...


that was the greatest post I've seen in a long time and you said everything I would have said about the Royal wedding!

Everyone should email Elizabeth to get on her super exclusive private blog list just to read about the royal wedding...but you all really should be reading her blog anyway!

SewSara said...

you are awesome, brooke!
i totally agree w/ the hot meal thing.

another lazy mom tip: cut down on baths by just washing feet in the sink before bed. then lotion them with baby magic and they totally SEEM clean.
Or there's always the baby wipe bath, in a pinch. am i right?!

now i'm curious about elizabeth's blog!

melissa walker said...

I totally agree with you Brooke and why is there so much negativity with napping out there! Studies have proven that a 20-30 minute nap in the afternoon actually increases productivity! I use that as my excuse--plus a happy, rested mom is a better mom! I just read a book called the 10 habits of happy mothers (author is not stephen r covey!) and she totally gives us the best reasons to simplify, destress, and be better mothers!

Christie said...

BRILLIANT POST. Except the get ready part. I have to admit I can't go without make up - it frightens the neighbors.

P.S. I need Elizabeth's blog address again. My dang kids deleted half my bookmarks and I lost hers. I am on her special private list. Just need the address. Hook a sista up!

Heather said...

My mantra... Work smarter, not harder. It's not laziness. Of course, I don't have kids, so what do I know? I think a nap sounds like heaven...

Letti said...

Now this is a great list! I couldn't agree more especially with wearing no make up when you have no where to go.

Janet Dillon Robinson said...

The foot rub competition is brilliant!!!!

Brittney Engel said...

I love it! I am in the "wear your jammies all day" phase and it's great! I have also found that taking a nap during Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is a good way to go too. That way, when the stinker is really sleeping, I can actually do something productive.

Amy said...

I think you need to change "lazy" to "smart" Take all the help and short cuts you can get.

However, although I was never a part of "the big dog rub off" it scarred me just the same. My dad would be so proud

alexandra said...

I love this post. You are hilarious. I love the Big Dog Rub Off.

Life is Good said...

I love the honesty, it's so refreshing. Nothing wrong with a hot lunch or foot rubs!

Life is Good said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WHITE said...

Just reading about the "big dog rub off" gives me the creeps. My dad used to host these competitions on a regular with me and my poor friend that lived across the street! I know I still have nightmares, I can't even imagine what it did to poor John.

Other then that I all for taking short cuts, especially when it comes to dinner!

Suzanne said...

I love it. I'm definitely a lazy mom. I seem to do all my blogging and facebooking about things I do, and people think I do sooooo much and could never, ever think of me as lazy. But man. Am I ever lazy. Not only do I do hot lunches, my kids get school breakfast, too. And my "consequences" of choice for misbehaving children are usually extra chores. (Score! Somebody was fightning, now I don't have to vacuum!) I never wear makeup unless I have some social thing to do (well, I wear makeup to church, but not much) and I'm a ponytail girl most days. Of course, my husband is in Iraq so I have a lot less motivation. But anyway, I love being lazy. However, I do take a break from laziness on occasion to accomplish something. hee hee

The Mostess said...

I'll stick with the term lazy. I'm lazy. I like other tired, lazy moms.

I'm so lazy I can't even return library books on time. I'm like $75 in the red with the library, and I still can't get my lazy A over to return the 3 missing books.

I wear a uni, no makeup, and smell like chlorine. I'm no prize. I can't wait until B is old enough to do crap to make my life easier....like biking to Mcd's to grab Mamma a cheeseburger. After I finish de-fatting, of course.

Elizabeth--I have wanted to get in touch with you forever! I will send you an email!

Holly said...

you just described my life!

Jack's Mama said...

I am lazy, it amazes my husband, I'm amazed he still likes me!
Anyways my son, 21 months seems real interested in potty training-weird i know. So when I was in target tonight 9pm-normal time to have your kid out right? I checked out the training toilets, man are they expensive! $30 for something I have to clean my kids pee and poop out of, wow! I was totally overwhelmed with the choices and walked out with nothing. My husband wants me to buy the kind you just attach to the real toilet, I being the lazy mom I am want the whole mini toilet, so I can plop him in front of the tv until he figures out how to go. Wow I sound awful!

I could go on...I used to be good at least at doing my sons laundry often enough, this morning as i slept in(I pretended today was mothers day because my husband has to go to work on Sunday at 6am so no sleeping in for me, so i insisted I got to sleep in today and he made me breakfast-today!)
Anyways as he was getting Jack dressed I heard him say, "Sorry Buddy, it looks like you are wearing the same dirty socks from yesterday!" Today at target I bought my socks-problem solved-my laundry still needs to be done! I guess I'll get started now...,thanks for you blog I got to be lazy even longer!

janet h said...

haha i'm a lazy person, not a mom yet! :)

Ashley said...

I have been too lazy to comment til now. I would add: don't ever make beds unless people are coming ever. Same for side dishes or veggies. I'm too lazy to write more.

Stephanie said...

Brilliant list! As my kids have gotten older I have embraced Hot Lunch more and more. It became a sanity saver, I knew it was getting out of hand when I couldn't let my kids leave for the bus until I was done making their lunches. I like the take it or leave it idea when it comes to hot lunch--it helps them to appreciate what I cook and serve them at home! It makes me look good! :) I tried the no make-up thing a few times, but gave up when people asked me if I was sick or just woke up or something--so I gave up on that. Maybe by the time I am 50 I won't care what people think. Seriously, I'd probably take a shower and put on make-up if I needed to run to the emergency room. I assume 10 minutes won't going to kill me, being that usually you just sit there forever and wait before you're seen--and I'm still alive. ;)

Anonymous said...

Finally getting caught up on commenting on blogs.... You are always so funny! I always get such a kick out of reading your posts. And I am always telling other people about them. So glad that even though I am moving across the country to it easy to keep up with everyone's lives with blogs and FB.

Jill said...

The foot rubbing scenario suggestion is my favorite!

I adore your views on motherhood and share them!