Monday, January 9, 2012

Caveman Takes Sonoma

After last week, I was going to leave the Bachelor alone this season. But it is just such good tv and by "good" I mean bad!! The biggest surprise of the evening for me was that the gal from Utah, Monica, seemed pretty normal and didn't turn out to be the villain. Blakely, aka "Fakely" aka "Juggs" aka "Horsey face" came out of nowhere as a force to be reckoned with:

Holy crap. She is going to be fun this season. I loved how Samantha was the one calling her "juggs" and her own girls were hanging out of her dress so far I was afraid we were going to see nipps.

But I digress. Funny how Monica didn't seem the least bit interested in Fakely tonight. I guess the lesbian lovin' was all for show. While we are discussing Fakely, did you all love that romper she was wearing while auditioning for the play? She looked like an overgrown toddler with juggs. This post is really high brow.

Okay..I've got to back up. Let's start with Ben's date with Kacie. I like Kacie. She is sweet and I thought her outfit was adorable..the shorts with the boots and nautical sweater...darling. Plus, she seems genuinely sweet. I even like the bataan twirling and I usually cringe at that stuff. If I remember right, she is divorced and has yet to drop that bomb on Ben. Good for her for waiting. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to that news.


Watching Ben watch his father on the movie made me cry. I have a black heart but that damn Fleiss got to me. He really knows how to pull the heartstrings.

The group date: I usually hate this kind of thing and the group date was no exception.

I did rejoice when Fakely go put in the gingerbread man suit. There is justice is this world! I don't know who the princess was but that girl is unattractive. How is she still here? I know that Jennifer was the star of the show as the donkey but her hair color is so distracting to it it purple? It's not good. I was surprised Ben kissed her in the hot tub. Why am I surprised anymore? Hot tub +bachelor=kissing. I didn't like how Ben kissed Fakely moments after kissing Jennifer. I would not do well on this show. But I hope I wouldn't end up crying in a luggage closet. LAME.

And while we are talking about crying. Bye Bye biggest lunatic ever Jenna. Can you believe this woman has a blog? Wow. She disobeyed my cardinal rule for the ladies...never boo hoo to the cameras in your exit interview. She was crying about how it was meant to be, how he never gave her a chance, she deserves love, yada yada yada. Have some dignity girl!! I'm dying for you.

Ok. And as much as I hate Fakely. I HATE the model more. Her baby talk drives me nuts:

Did Ben really say she was intelligent? He seems head over heels. She is the very worst. She was so mean to Kacie when Kacie read the date card..."How does that taste coming out of your mouth?" She is not that pretty. I was hoping she wasn't a real model but I found this and I unfortunately, I think she's legit folks:

I think the cutest girl on the show is Rachel. She reminds me of Heidi Klum. She makes me want to cut heavy bangs...don't worry.. I know better and I won't but I want to.

How much longer is Ben keeping the granddaughter? What do we think of the first impression girl/horse girl? I can't decide on her. I thought it was funny that she was trying to convey to Ben just how country she is..."I don't wear make-up...dirt is usually my make-up, I drive an Ford F350 extended cab with an Alison transmission and a lift." Just kidding..she just said she drives an F350. I feel like she is eager...and eager bugs.

I have also figured out something mildly depressing. Ben is short. Maybe not short, but not tall. Being around Ashley last season led us all to believe the dude was tall. He's not. I say he is 5'9 on a good day. Someone look into this for me and return and report.

Do we love anyone yet? I feel so negative tonight. These girls are bugging me. And Ben is eating it up. Who is going to lose it next week?

Meet me in Frisco!


The Mostess said...

WHAT THE HELL?? I can't believe a tatted out, horse-faced, uber-jugged skankwad has the same name as my adorable and lovely baby!!!

This explains why my mom left me a message saying she was moving to Sonoma.

GWACK said...

She's a VIP cocktail waitress as well. Probably not the kind of girl to take home to Mom.

Em said...

I was wondering what Mostess would have to say about the whole Blakely thing....

Monika said...

The show was a mess, but I watched the whole thing.

The home movies were sweet, except the dates in the corner that read 1989(she was a baby), and 1991. That just made me feel old.

I'm thinking he is short too. During the rose ceremony, a couple of girls walked up to him and I was sure they were slouching just to seem shorter. I once said a 5'8" man was short at a party at my inlaws. I ended up swallowing my words when my brother in laws and sister in laws said hey, I'm 5'7", or my husbands 5'1" . . . I probably should have said I was sorry, but really all I could think was man those guys are REALLY short!

Jenn J. said...

I admit I watched last night. Some bad tv is just too good to pass up. I'm so glad you decided to recap!

Kacie B. is my favorite. I hope she takes it all. Or maybe it would be better if she goes out third or second and they make her the next bachelorette.

Blakely leaves much to be desired. I hope she goes home. I'm tired of looking at her "jugs" and it's only the second episode. Her romper was awful.

I actually kind of like Jennifer. Her hair is definitely not doing her any favors, but aside from that, I think she has potential to be kind of cool.

I agree about Utah girl. She was totally underplayed this episode.

Jenna was a hot mess and I couldn't figure out if her two-tone hair was on purpose or if she just forgot to make a trip to her hair stylist before going on national tv.

No one could possibly ever love Courtney more than Courtney does, so I don't see this whole Ben thing working out. Did you hear her mention how she dated actors? I think her mouth looks weird when she talks. I hope she goes home soon, but I'm assuming she stays around for the long haul. At least until fantasy suites.

Linda said...

I don't think Kacie is divorced. I rewatched the first part of last week - with the bio's. It's another girl. I can't keep the "mass" of girls straight right now - I know the really obnoxious ones, "store-bought-Juggs" and "I'm too sexy for this show- Courtney." But I'll have to wait a couple more weeks for a few more to get weeded out. . . I agree with Jenn J - Kacie is my fave too! She may deserve better than Ben.

Ashley said...

Here's the thing--I am not feeling like I'm missing out by not watching right now, but I feel like we are ALL missing out by not having a truly desirable man as our bachelor. Your posts really are hilarious even if I haven't watched the show. I coulda told you Ben was short--but the scary thing is do you realize how short JP must be? Ben was Goliath next to that guy.

The DeVito's said...

Augh! I'm glad you decided to recap! He bugs! The girls bug! I'm so annoyed! I hate the model and juggernaut! The romper was horrible ad he's falling for It all!

Greg said...

Great post Brooke! I was finally able to read your recap and I'm so glad you're back on the job.

Various sources are claiming that Ben is 6'2". If that is true, it has to be a very favorable measurement with Ben wearing some cowboy boots to give him some added lift.

I agree that Rachel is one girl that seems really interesting and I hope that we get to see more of her in upcoming episodes.

One of the real problems this season is that the girls don't seem to be a whole lot more interesting than Ben.

I also noticed that we didn't see Crazy SLC Monica this week. I was glad for the respite.