Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm Going to Miss This


Everyone keeps asking me if I'm so happy to know I'm done having kids. And the answer is YES! But also a little tiny no. Yes I'm thrilled to never get huge again (at least not through pregnancy, Oreos are another story), I'm thrilled to know that all of my kids are here and they are all healthy, and I'm thrilled that this will be my last sleep deprived year (I take sleep very seriously.)

I can't believe I'm going to admit this but I've also been sad. I first felt the sadness come on at the hospital immediately after I gave birth. It didn't really go away over the next week. I thought it was just the post baby hormones. But now I realize I do think I'm honestly just a little bit sad that I never get to go through the miracle of birth again. And I don't use words like "miracle" lightly. I really do think that the birth process is a total miracle. Every time I give birth, I am honestly surprised and shocked that there is an actual living human being that just came out of me.


I love yawns

I'm sad that I never get to look forward to another 20 week ultrasound to find out what I'm having, I'm sad that I never get to wonder when my water is going to break again. I'm sad that when Buster gets big, I will never get to hold a tiny, furry newborn again and snuggle him. I have always been the type of person who was uncomfortable holding other people's babies. I felt awkward. With my own, it is so natural. I will miss that.

So I'm giving away all of my maternity clothes and all of my baby stuff just so I'm not tempted to do this again. And in a year from now, if I start talking crazy about having another one, someone out there grab me by the shoulders and shake some sense into me. (I know Sam is calling to schedule a vasectomy as he reads this!)


Bad picture, bad lighting, but you can clearly see I have one too many and it's not the baby.

Am I saying I might have another one? No. Absolutely not. In fact, my doctor even told me I'm through. The reality is, with every baby I have from here on out, it will just be more time in the NICU because they just keep coming earlier. If I got pregnant again, I would spend the entire third trimester terrified of how early my water was going to break. But that is not the only reason. I know that my sanity is at stake. And I don't want more kids. I know we are through but I guess I am just saying I will miss this.


25 comments:

Kimmie said...

totally and completely 100% with you....im one of those who will never FEEL done, but know(through my hubby. ha. ha . ha) that I am. there is just something about all of it, even the hospital crap that i miss. and most certainly the tiny, furry newborn in my arms...i think my enitre neighborhood would know who to blame if their baby were to go missing!

lindsey said...

He is so cute and I love that you called him furry. So appropriate. :) Seriously, he is so adorable, but honestly, all of your kids are!

Oh sleep deprivation. It's the worst. Totally worth having this cute little one, but the worst.

Ashley said...

These are the cutest pictures of him yet! I am dying, he is so cute. He is Sammie reincarnate. I am sad for you to be done. But I am happy to be the beneficiary of your maternity clothes. I laughed at the picture of Dino crying and the one too many. Don't do anything irreversible yet!!! Did I mention I love these pictures?

The Mostess said...

I would be more sympathetic if I didn't have Senorita Crazy sitting on my sciatic nerve at all hours of the day. My left leg has been numb for, oh, 3 months now. And the back pain! Argh! Let's chat in another 20 weeks.

But, yes, they are amazing, and I'm excited for you. I'm also sad that you are done because you make some seriously cute kids!

Ryan in that picture--classic.

Melissa Walker said...

I agree with you all the way! After Nora passes each stage, and I'm packing up the cute girly clothes that all 3 of my girls wore, I cry. And I look at Matt and realize I only got one little boy and how great would another little boy be, and then I have to talk myself out of that too! So, Nora will be smothered and probably hate me when she's older!

HAPPYHANERHOME said...

Crying, and in love and sympathy with every word...but also totally and completely THROUGH having babies after this one (barring some complete and total Biblical type miracle.)

Denise said...

I'm all teary after reading this. I went away this weekend and just had my little guy. It was so easy to just have one! This morning, as I woke up to my two big ones screaming, I wondered why I came home. I know I'm totally in over my head and can't handle what I've got. Even though my baby just turned one last week, I find myself thinking about another... I'm an idiot.

Mandee said...

I totally understand how you feel. My baby is almost 4, and we are done- yet I still wish we were having one more. I love the pictures, too. Can't wait to see you and Buster!

Jill T said...

Emotional post. I think it's sad too to think about being done. That's why I hope I'm not. I'm not ready to have my round of "lasts." But how nice for you to know. I think that's the key. To just know. So glad all are healthy and well. Mitchell is SOOO cute!

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

I miss the thought of being pregnant in theory but the reality version, not so much. I don't miss the pinched nerves...I could seriously go off here, but I won't. When I had my last child, I knew it and I seriously cherished every moment (except the sleep-deprived ones) and wished I could stop time or, at least, slow it down. Dressing Sarah was never a chore, I changed her clothes all the time, like she was a doll and I was playing dress-up with her. Ha! Gymboree was my guilty pleasure! It was a sad and stressful day for me when all of my children passed the size-limit of that store. "Now what will I do?!" I panicked.(I'm sure my children will be forever grateful that Gymboree didn't extend their sizes!) :( To this day, when Steve and I pass by a Gymboree he always says, "Let's go in there!"--just teasing me. My kids, who are all teenagers, are just puzzled by this and look at him like he has a screw loose--which he sometimes does. "Huh? Why?" ;)

When Sarah was a baby, time never seemed to pass so fast--with my other kids, often, it wasn't fast enough!! I couldn't wait for them to be done with all their "firsts"--be potty-trained, feed themselves and go to school--I thought that day would never happen! My mom would tell me, "Pretty soon they'll all be in school." "Yeah, right?!" Now with two kids almost out of high school I can say that it passed in the blink of an eye! :) Take time to enjoy it!

My advice: Take an insane number of pictures!! Pretty soon, when your kids see you reaching for your camera they will be fleeing from you as fast as they can! Not only with you have lots of adorable photos you'll soon be able to quiet the house in an instant. ;) ha! Hugz.

Amanda K said...

I just had my first (9 months ago) so I don't have too much experience with this - but I remember rocking him at 2:00 in the morning and singing that song in my head - and now - I do miss those tiny newborn moments with him - I can't imagine what it will be like with my last one. Your pictures are darling!

Jenn J. said...

Amen, amen, and amen. I'm feeling all the same things right now! I'm due in only a couple weeks and can hardly grasp the concept that this could be my last. I'm glad to hear someone else feels the same way. Enjoy every minute! He's such a cutie.

Stephanie said...

The picture of Mitchell at the top should have the disclaimer, "Larger than actual size" or "Enlarged to show furriness." ;)He looks so much tinier in person. Maybe it's just because I have your other kids to compare him too. Ha. Mitchell's face has such adorably tiny features! Now I can really say he is the most beautiful baby in the world! Or, that's in your household at this particular time. ;) He's precious! Holding a little baby is so great, especially appreciated when you have other little busy bodies in the house. A baby is the peace at the eye of the storm. The house could be imploding around you, toys whizzing passed your head,syrup dripping from the counter, but you'll hardly notice when you are holding a sweet, little baby. I am so jealous! Thanks for sharing--I'll be back for refills! :)

Toria said...

oh don't tell me this. I always thought that moms just 'knew" and that it would be easy and now you had me almost teary.
you make cute kids and little man looks like your daughter and I haven't even met her!
great/ classic photos!

Liz said...

I so know how you feel. Couldn't imagine pregnancy and nursing again, but I am actually sad it is over. It's hard to know it's REALLY over, but a little relief. I'm sad I will never have a brand new one.

Jill said...

I love baby yawns so much!

I understand your feelings completely and am so glad that when I had Whitney I didn't know she was going to be my last child. I always thought I'd have 4 or 5 kids, but it hasn't worked out that way for us. Yes, that means I didn't savor her babyness the way I would have had I known, but it also means I didn't mourn everything I'd be missing either so in my case ignorance was bliss.

It's always sad to think of other people making permanent decisions regarding having more children...but not so much for me. Hee.

WHITE said...

Seeing your little guy makes me want another one! Thank goodness Jimmy doesn't read blogs or he would be having a heart attack!
One day, maybe!
I love that I get to see you kids and I feel like I know what your up too! It's so fun to be able to "keep in touch" even if it is just with a blog!
I am glad all your kids are here happy and healthy, they are very blessed with a great mom!!!
Also, please post every yawn picture they are the dang cutest thing ever!!!

Elizabeth said...

The yawning Mitchell pic makes me miss new born bubbas too!. He is so gorgeous and sweet (and tiny). I'm going to keep right out of this conversation because I feel like a total slacker stopping at two ;-)
Also that pic of Ryan should be subtitled "Look what they did to my blissful life?"

The Mostess said...

I should also tell you that I think Sammie's flower is adorable! Know why?? Because she has hair!

Bald+flower=fail.

Hair+flower=charming.

alexandra said...

I have been feeling along those lines, too. I want to have a 4th, but we have so far avoided the CF gene and I just don't think my heart could survive having a mortally ill child. But it makes me really sad to think that I will never have another baby. I am giving myself a few years to make a final decision . . .

I love the photos. You have such a cute family, and I love that your newborn looks so much like his big sister!

Kim said...

I think when you know you are done..then you are done, but that doesn't mean you don't have the feelings of crap this is it. I totally understand. My kids are a few years older than yours.. my baby is 4 and my oldest is 11, but with Em I still think "Crap this is the last time I will do this". One thing is for sure, I get more sleep, but life is still crazy!!

Amy M. said...

I love this post! So true, so true!

Buster is over-the-top cute.

Linde said...

I SOOO understand what you are saying about being a bit sad. As I've come to the realization that Jacob is probably it for us...I am sad about not having another one.

For me, I didn't mind the pregnancy and having the baby, but I have a rough time with the lack of sleep...that part makes me not want another baby.

For Jacob though, if I could, I would. I'm sad he won't have a sibling.

nic said...

So nice to know that you are done. I question everyday whether I am or not.