Everyone keeps asking me if I'm so happy to know I'm done having kids. And the answer is YES! But also a little tiny no. Yes I'm thrilled to never get huge again (at least not through pregnancy, Oreos are another story), I'm thrilled to know that all of my kids are here and they are all healthy, and I'm thrilled that this will be my last sleep deprived year (I take sleep very seriously.)
I can't believe I'm going to admit this but I've also been sad. I first felt the sadness come on at the hospital immediately after I gave birth. It didn't really go away over the next week. I thought it was just the post baby hormones. But now I realize I do think I'm honestly just a little bit sad that I never get to go through the miracle of birth again. And I don't use words like "miracle" lightly. I really do think that the birth process is a total miracle. Every time I give birth, I am honestly surprised and shocked that there is an actual living human being that just came out of me.
I love yawns
I'm sad that I never get to look forward to another 20 week ultrasound to find out what I'm having, I'm sad that I never get to wonder when my water is going to break again. I'm sad that when Buster gets big, I will never get to hold a tiny, furry newborn again and snuggle him. I have always been the type of person who was uncomfortable holding other people's babies. I felt awkward. With my own, it is so natural. I will miss that.
So I'm giving away all of my maternity clothes and all of my baby stuff just so I'm not tempted to do this again. And in a year from now, if I start talking crazy about having another one, someone out there grab me by the shoulders and shake some sense into me. (I know Sam is calling to schedule a vasectomy as he reads this!)
Am I saying I might have another one? No. Absolutely not. In fact, my doctor even told me I'm through. The reality is, with every baby I have from here on out, it will just be more time in the NICU because they just keep coming earlier. If I got pregnant again, I would spend the entire third trimester terrified of how early my water was going to break. But that is not the only reason. I know that my sanity is at stake. And I don't want more kids. I know we are through but I guess I am just saying I will miss this.